There was more we should have been taught, aside from how many days our menstrual cycle lasted and how to put a condom on a banana…
1. Men will always be obsessed with your bum hole.
2. 96% of the times you have sex will be initiated by a man pushing his hard-on into your back while you try to sleep.
3. People don’t actually eat food off each others’ naked bodies in real life. Not unless they want Nutella mingling with their fallopian tubes.
4. Nor do people really ever use flavoured condoms, especially not for penetrative sex. Sticky, blueberry-flavoured thighs anyone?
5. Giving oral sex will make you gag and think you’re about to throw up approximately 67,542 times throughout your entire life.
6. Despite growing older and accepting it’s a part of adult life, watching a sex scene on TV with your parents will never get easier.
7. You won’t fall asleep gracefully the minute sex is over. First, you’ll waddle to the toilet to clean up – and then maybe you’ll check Twitter.
8. Fanny farts are a thing. End of.
9. Sex anywhere aside from a bed is pretty uncomfortable and difficult. You’ll get bruises, it’ll hurt but you’ll pretend to love every second of it.
10. The majority of you (70%) won’t EVER be able to orgasm through penetrative sex on its own. True story.
11. The contraceptive pill will probably turn you into a hormonal beast.
12. But you’ll be so terrified by all other types of long-term contraception you’ll stick with it anyway. You want to put WHAT up there for HOW many years?!
13. Every time you have an STD test you’ll be 102% sure you have HIV, or at least a spot of Chlamydia.
14. You’ll also Google ‘pregnancy symptoms’ approximately seven times a month. If you’re not pregnant than WHY have you been eating so much bread?!
15. You’ll buy enough of Tesco’s cheapest pregnancy tests over the course of your lifetime to stock a village pharmacy.
16. You will pretty much definitely do a poo during childbirth (soz).
17. And it’s also possible to rip from your vagina to your bum hole when the baby comes out.
18. Cystitis will be a constant battle and will include a lot of wees that only produce a teaspoon of urine. Good.
19. Boys will want to ejaculate in places that aren’t your vagina.
20. And when said semen lands on your skin, you’ll be surprised at how smooth and silky it makes it.
21. You’ll always be slightly scared that if you ever got famous, the boyfriend you had at 15 will circulate topless photos of you.
22. People can say sex burns 200 calories an hour as many times as they want, it will NOT give you Cheryl Cole’s body.
23. Most of the times you have sex you’ll be wearing a nude T-shirt bra and greying pants from Primark, rather than sexy lingerie from Victoria’s Secret, and you won’t even be ashamed.
24. You WILL have sexual partners that you’ll look back on and a tiny bit of sick will start to rise in your throat. It’s OK, it happens to all of us.
