by Jessica Chou
It’s hard to believe that not so long ago, authors were telling women to wear pink, ruffled underwear, to never complain, and to always listen to their men. “Remember your most important job is to build up and maintain his ego (which gets bruised plenty in business),” Edward Podolsky wrote in his 1943 book, Sex Today in Wedded Life. “Morale is a woman’s business.”
While we may shudder at such sexist drivel today, it’s safe to say there are still plenty of relationship myths out there, often propagated by sub-par rom-coms and fairytales. Last month, we chatted with therapist and relationship expert Esther Perel to talk through some of these myths — and explain why they might just be wrong. Here are all seven myths, busted.
Myth #1: People in a relationship don’t flirt. If they do, it means they are unhappy and looking for something else.
The Truth: “Flirting” is, by definition, not to be taken seriously. “Flirting isn’t a sign of discontent, at all,” Perel says. “There’s very little to do with flirting that is about you being unhappy with a relationship; that is a construct.”
But, as is often the case, context matters. One act of flirting isn’t a sign that something is wrong, but “if your partner is always flirting in front of you and not paying attention to you, that has more to do with disrespect,” Perel says. “The flirting is a way in which the disrespect is manifesting. It’s like if I’m always looking at my phone instead of talking to you.”
Casually bantering with another person at the bar is typically not a cause for concern, Perel says, but “anything we do can become problematic, depending on how we do it.” It can be an innocent act, or something that comes from a larger issue — maybe disrespect of your partner, or one party’s own insecurity and need for validation.
“The essence of flirting is that there is genuinely an innocence to it,” Perel says. “It only becomes a problem when there is no innocence to it.”
Myth #2: Honesty is the best policy.
The Truth: How many times have we heard “I’m just being honest,” following a particularly cruel, underhanded comment? Sometimes, being truthful is the most caring, respectful thing to do. Sometimes, it’s the harshest comeback — an undermining way to twist the knife. “Telling the truth can be a hostile maneuver,” Perel says. “‘I’m not attracted to you,’ ‘I think you’re a fat slob.’ But, if you don’t want to be with someone, you can [be honest] in a way where they won’t hear the resonance of that in their head for years to come. That’s respect.”
Nowadays, however, the idea that you must tell your partner everything is ubiquitous; couples are sharing email passwords as a message of complete transparency. “Sharing has become the ethos of perfection — ‘I should be able to tell you everything’… If you don’t [open up], then you have a secret,” Perel says. “But I think it is very wise to think certain things and not say everything.”
In fact, research has shown that two different types of lies have opposite effects on relationships. White lies, a.k.a. lies that protect someone’s feelings, can help strengthen a relationship. Meanwhile, lying to cover up something you did wrong — i.e. deception — will weaken a relationship. “You can’t have a blanket statement that says, ‘everything out in the open is best.’ But that doesn’t mean you hide affairs,” Perel explains. A little white lie to avoid hurting someone’s feelings? That could go a long way to building a lasting relationship.
Myth #3: Bad sex should always be a relationship deal breaker. It means you aren’t compatible.
The Truth: There is a difference between sexual incompatibility and bad sex, Perel says. “If you have a fundamental lack of attraction to the person, [like] you don’t like the way the person smells, that can be a problem,” Perel says.
But most people experience bad sex — especially women. According to the most recent National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, only 64% of women reported having an orgasm during their most recent sexual experience, even though 85% of men claimed their partner did. Another study analyzing data from Singles in America found that women reported climaxing 62.9% of the time, while men reached orgasm 85.1% of the time. (Of course, great sex doesn’t require orgasm from either party, but orgasm is a pretty good indicator of sexual satisfaction.)
Luckily, bad sex is completely fixable, and the solution may just start with a little self-exploration. “Good sex is more self-knowledge than anything else,” Perel says. “People don’t know their own body and what they like. They know what they don’t like, but they can’t tell you what they like.”
Once you figure that out, talk about it. “Sexual communication is one of the most difficult things to do,” Perel says. “It’s about giving, taking, asking, refusing, sharing, and receiving, and that’s real communication.”
Head over to Refinery29 to read the full list: 7 Relationship Myths To Stop Believing.
