by Bibi Lynch
Those Take That boys have a lot going for them – but their approach to sex is wrong. It only takes a minute, Gal? Well not for us. We want quality sexy times time. If you suffer from The Barlow*, this list might help…
1. Imagine your own sex face. (The danger here is you may never be able to make the sweet love again. But it’s a risk you’ll just have to take)
2. Imagine your mum or dad’s sex face. What? We. Are. Trying. To. Help. (Don’t go for both, though. We can’t be responsible for that fall-out)
3. Try counting backwards from 1000. But don’t dwell on 69
4. Think about kittens. (The Pussycat Dolls won’t help here)
5. Remember the worst sex you ever had. But please don’t cry. Remember, your sex partner today might actually be trying to orgasm. (Although if you sense you sobbing would please your lover, go ahead, sickos)
6. Do not recall Jamie Oliver’s delicious melon and salami salad recipe. And definitely do not think about that drizzled sour cream dressing
7. Name your toes
8. Give them voices
9. Work out how much you earned this month. It shouldn’t take long. Much like… Oh
10. Picture your partner reading your DMs
11. Picture reading your partner’s DMs
12. Picture reading Dapper Laughs’ DMs
13. Embrace that feeling you had when you saw the videos of Robbie Williams ‘entertaining’ his in labour wife. Remember how everything inside you shrivelled? Perfect.
*don’t sue, Gary. We’re just pulling yours. Oh keep it clean, Gaz!