1. We can get emotional too, or whatever.
We’re just usually pretty good at suppressing it. Please understand that if we say something like, “You look pretty” or “I like you,” it took every bit of courage in our being to say it. I realize that “You are nice” might not be that romantic for you, but for some guys it’s the emotional equivalent of a perfectly-composed sonnet.
2. How often we masturbate.
We jerk off more than we’re willing to admit to you. If you ask us how often we masturbate, take that number and multiply it by 100. Were we late to pick you up? Did we take a long shower? Did you leave the room for five minutes? We masturbated. Just assume that if we’re not in your direct line of sight, we’re masturbating.
3. How many people we’ve slept with.
This is one of those things no one should ask anyone else. Everyone worries that their number is too low or too high. Just internalize all that anxiety and never speak about it, because you will get in a fight over it.
4. We have embarrassing things in our iTunes libraries.
There’s some stuff on here that we’d rather you not find. Maybe it’s the nu-metal we listened to in middle school. Maybe it’s Taylor Swift. It might be a romantic playlist from an ex. Either way, it’s going to be embarrassing if you find that stuff.
5. We’re self-conscious about our penises
If we’re not worried about size, we’re worried about shape, or color, or gradient, or whatever. Guys think about their dicks a lot.
6. We get texts from our exes.
It’s not like we feel guilty or even respond, but if an old flame texts us, we’re sweeping that one under the rug. It’s not worth bringing up.
7. Literally anything about our porn habits.
This stuff is private. I’ve heard stories about some of the porn that can exist on the fringes of the internet, and it has filled me with fear. Treat internet histories as confidential, for your sake as well as his.
8. We like hanging out with you, even when we don’t act like it.
We might drag our feet shopping, or roll our eyes when you suggest going to see a romantic comedy. But we’re happy to be there because you’re there. We’ll just never admit it.
9. We might think other girls are kind of attractive sometimes.
We’re very visual. We might notice a pretty woman walk by but it doesn’t mean we’re unhappy or we hate you. If you ask us if we think a particular person is pretty and we say, “I get why other people find her attractive, but I just don’t see it,” we are lying through our teeth.
10. We have a whole collection of manscaping tools.
It’s best if you don’t know what weird ear/nose/body/pubic here we have to trim on the reg.