1. “That’s cute.” It doesn’t matter what part of my body you’re referring to, I don’t want any part of my body to look “cute.”
2. “That’s a lot of hair.” I know that, in the right light, I could be mistaken for a werewolf. Unless you’re really into shaving, now isn’t the time to bring it up.
3. “Oh.” Sometimes mild indifference can sting worse than deep disappointment.
4. “I need to get back to the gym.” Oh, is it because the sight of my bloated, flabby body reminded you of what could happen if you don’t have a strict exercise regimen?
5. “I never noticed you have a birthmark on your butt!” Yeah, well, I forgot about it until you pointed it out and now I’m absolutely humiliated.
6. “Why are your balls so saggy?” Genetics? Time? That’s how balls are? I get that you’re fascinated by parts you don’t have, but please be gentle when you inquire about them.
7. “Would you ever shave your ass?” “Would you ever” basically means “you should,” so thanks for telling me I have a hairy ass.
8. “Is it circumcised?” This is bad when asked before I’m naked, and worse when asked after.
9. [giggling] Thanks. I really needed a complex, and having you laugh because “penises are weird” just checked that box off.
10. “Let me know when you’re ready.” I’m ready now. Wait, is it not obvious?
11. “Can we just cuddle for like, 20 minutes?” But… but we just got naked. Are you falling asleep? WHY ARE YOU FALLING ASLEEP?