by Andy Green
Sex. It’s the true fuel for all bros. It’s what keeps us going through this turbulent chaos called life. Yes, it’s the number one reason to get up in the morning and it’s the best reason to go to bed. It creates life as well as stains. It has taught bros patience when dealing with the unbridled insanity that runs rampant through the brain of a female. It’s a true wonder of the universe and here are 10 things you didn’t know about makin’ the beast with two backs.
Oral Sex Was Illegal in Canada Untill 1969
The thought of not being able to receive a bj is a thought that sends an icy cold chill down a bro-spine. It’s hard to fathom that in any age of reason, the governing group would deny their fellow mankind something so magnificent. Well, it happened. One of the most pure horrors to ever befall humanity was… in Canada. Oral sex was far more dangerous to them than calling something that is definitely not bacon, bacon. It wasn’t until the year 1969, that Canada finally lifted the ban on oral sex… which is ironic because it gave them the ability to legally 69 in 1969, eh.
Monkeys Are Definitely Bros
Monkeys have given us a glimpse into our distant past. They serve as a mirror into the most primal of behaviors exhibited by bro-kind. In fact, monkeys are so much like us that when professors at Yale taught some capuchin monkeys how to use a currency, the first thing they did was cash it in for some sex. This is a beautiful display of nature at it’s best.
The Ole’ Headache Routine is Bullsh*t!
Nothing ruins a perfect opportunity to capitalize on free time with some sweaty fun quite like your girl givin’ you the old ” I’ve got a headache” routine. This paragraph will arm all bros with a reasonable explanation as to why that’s no reason to forego bangin’ your meaty parts together. We owe our old bro science another beer yet again. Sex causes the release of the body’s natural endorphins, which is nature’s painkiller. So when the lady springs a headache on her, be a gentleman and offer to hump away her pain!
Ever Thought About T-Rex’s Getting It On?
When learning about dinosaurs, bros everywhere almost immediately started pondering about how a T-Rex bones another T-Rex. You know they definitely aren’t getting any handies with those itty bitty weird birth defect arms they had. Well, apparently some museum curators wondered the same thing and decided to take two gigantic T-Rex skeletons and put them in what they assumed what the sexual position of choice for history’s most terrifying predator. After they did it, they admired it and laughed exactly like Beavis and Butt-head for about 3 days.
NEVER Do It on Stolen Moon Rocks
There are plenty of acceptable places to make sweet tender love. Of course, the bedroom, there’s the car, an elevator, maybe on an airplane. But one place you never want to show your girl 10 bad minutes is on a bed of moon rocks stolen from NASA. We learn this valuable lesson from our friend Thad Roberts. Thad was an intern at NASA and apparently was using the vastness of space to get inside the vastness of a vagina. The FBI swiftly and brutally showed him that he should’ve found a dirty couch.
The All Female Band Rock Bitch is DTF
Bros in bands have spent decades refining the ability to use their rock to knock some boots. It was only a matter of time before the hungry, insatiable clam of female rock started to feed her hunger at the guitar alters. The female band Rock Bitch would actually throw out a golden condom and the lucky bro who caught it, got to go back and put on his own little concert with the members of the band after the show. Bonus– If a chick caught the condom, Rock Bitch would show them a good time as well!
Sex Makes Some Bros Sad
Typically the reaction of a bro to getting his noodle wet is very much a positive one. It is typically followed by incredible joy and merriment… then promptly a nap. Some unlucky bros suffer from a condition known as post-coital tristesse. This causes them to feel immediately feel sadness and regret after making a girl’s dreams come true. It’s somewhat positive, though–since tears make for excellent lubrication!
A Drive-in… FOR SEXY TIMES?
In a wonderful little place called Zurich, there exist things called ”sex boxes.” No, it’s not a box filled with blow-up dolls and lotion. It’s actually a covered parking spot where a man can park his car and quickly be solicited by a prostitute. It offers the utmost privacy for when the van’s a rockin’. On a side note, “Sex Boxes” is a KILLER band name!
Brainy Bros Get Less Action
It always seemed as though the farther you progressed in your education, the higher your rate of makin’ the bed bounce. Well, it turns out that people with higher I.Q’s statistically have less sex. Bros, we must now all decide whether or not to discontinue their learning. It’s a tough choice to make… but hiking the trails of the bone-zone is well worth being kind of dumb.
Not Cool, Bros
Sex obviously also has a terrible side. This is demonstrated by these sick and twisted freaks from Borneo who kept a live shaved orangutan hostage and used it as their sex slave. Some bros decided to put an end to these bastards and it took 35 police officers armed with AK-47′s to save that poor ape’s orifices. They succeeded after a fierce battle and got that poor orangutan outta there and hopefully he grew his hair back!