by Samantha Rodman
Guys, it is a tough dating world out there. There are loads of girls you have to go through before finding Ms. Right. Good thing you don’t particularly mind dating lots of different women. It will give you something to reflect back on when you’re old and not as devilishly handsome as you are right now. Let’s cover the different types of women you may meet on your road to eventual coupledom.
1. Daddy’s Girl
This girl may be 25, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love to spend quality time with Daddy. In fact, not only does he financially subsidize her, but he’s also the first person she calls when her car breaks down, her boss yells at her, or she has an extra ticket to a concert. Hey wait a second; isn’t that supposed to be your role? Then there’s the time you find Daddy polishing his machete collection and staring at you. When you break up with the Daddy’s girl, she doesn’t seem to notice; she’s off to Tahoe to ski with Dad that weekend.
2. The Party Girl
This girl always knows where the party is. Not only that, but she has friends wherever you go, and they all have funny stories about that time she got wasted and made out with other people’s boyfriends. Then, what do you know, you find her in a closet doing the same thing when she was supposed to be in a relationship with you. You try to dump her but she’s too busy making out with that random guy to listen.
3. The Straight A Student
This girl is super smart and it would be great to talk to her…if she ever had time to talk. Not only is she a straight A student but she’s involved in every activity on campus, whether she’s an undergrad or a grad student. She takes on extra work like it’s going out of style, and she’s more emotionally committed to her study group partners than to you. When you break up with her, she turns it into an excellent piece of nonfiction for her writing seminar and gets, of course, an A.
4. Miss Jealousy
“What did you really mean when you said ‘Nice shirt’ to your coworker at that party? What was nice about the shirt? Are you secretly in love with her? This reminds me of what you said last weekend to my sister, remember? ‘I like your car’. You meant you wanted to ride off with her somewhere private and put down the back seat, didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU?” You dump her by telling her you have a terminal illness because you’re scared of the repercussions.
5. Gossip Girl
This girl talks your ear off about her friend, her friend’s friend, her friend’s boyfriend’s friend, and that guy’s cousin. All of her stories seem to be about someone in a bad situation that your girlfriend can pretend to empathize with while she secretly acts better than them. You break up with her after you start fantasizing about Miss Jealousy, who was at least focused on you.
6. Your Mom’s Hopeful Daughter-in-law
This girl and your mom get along like gangbusters. Your mom drops hints about how it’s time to settle down, and your girlfriend talks about how awesome a listener your mom is. But, to be honest, your mom has more chemistry with this girl than you do. You start hanging out in the library hoping to run into The Straight A Student and let your mom break the news to your girlfriend gently.
6. The Anxiety Case
This girl is nervous and worried about everything. When you go on a snowboarding trip, she worries about you breaking your leg. When you eat quickly, she worries about you choking. When she is too nervous about flying to take a vacation with you, you find her a good therapist and say “hasta la vista”.
7. The Drama Queen
This girl is exciting, and it’s never boring to be around her. But soon you realize that it’s exhausting to ride her emotional roller coaster every day. After a few breakup/makeup cycles, you find yourself yearning for the anxiety case. At least she was consistent. When you break up with her, the scene is heart-wrenching. But it is strange how she starts dating that guy from her building the very next day.
8. The Trendsetter
You are not sure if what she is wearing is a shirt or a dress, or what exactly is up with her make-up, but you know whatever it is, it’s right on trend. This girl knows what’s in style months before everyone else. It’s great to think you landed someone so stylish and cutting edge, until she starts to throw out some of your favorite clothes in an attempt to make you edgier. You like your high school T-shirt collection, so you have to say goodbye.
9. The Beauty Queen
This girl is so hot that you can’t believe you snagged her. Your friends are envious and guys’ heads turn when she walks into the room. It’s pretty cool, until you realize you don’t really have much to talk about, since you have nothing in common. You try to make it work anyway, until you realize that she isn’t being ironic with her taste in music. While you’re in the middle of breaking up with her, a guy drives up in a BMW and asks her on a date.
10. The One
This girl is smart, beautiful, sweet, and is so great that you mom forgets about the other girl she liked so much. She laughs at your jokes, and you laugh at hers. Your taste in music, movies, and books is weirdly similar, and her friends get along with your friends. You wonder what you did to deserve someone so wonderful. Oh right, it was dating all those other girls.