Pick up any supposed women’s magazine in the grocery store check out line and they will list “101 ways to please your man”, or some other list. The only way to actually please your christian man is the be a good proper christian woman. You don’t need 101 ways to do that. You only need one. Read the BIBLE!
But for the rest of you I have compiled a list of 10 ways that you can be a proper christian man and please your man and most importantly God.
1)Don’t be a Whorelot.
Your Husband married you. You should only share your naughty bits with him. Those are his now. They are not for any man that sees your hoochie behind at the bar. If you are not yet married then no good christian man will want you, if you go around dressed like a slut. If you’re giving everyone a free show then why should he pay the price of admission?
In a similar vain do not be a whorelot. God tells us that pre-marrital relations is wrong and sinful. If your potential future husband is getting the milk for free from your sinful utters then why is he going to buy you, the cow?
2) Shut Up and Listen
God made Man first. He made us much later. He was probably a bit tired by then and wasn’t doing as good a job. Just look at our lady bits for proof of that. It is a nasty jumble down there. There are to many folds and places for things to get trapped. And why did he make it smell so bad? He was clearly almost asleep at the wheel. But still, since God made it, it is perfect!
The bible tells us that women are supposed to be quiet and listen. Today, there are too many women out there yapping about this and yapping about that. Men don’t care about our feelings and opinions. Neither does God. He tells us how it is and how it should be, and it is our responsibility as his heavenly offspring to do as we are told.
3)Learn to Cook and Clean
After a long day at the office, or behind a big truck or wrestling alligators, whatever your husband does for a living, he is the one that pays for you and the kids. After that long day of sweat and toil he wants to come home and have a good well cooked meal. If you can’t cook at least as well as his mother did then he will seek solace in another woman’s arms. And that woman will probably be Wendy’s arms. Her fattening fries and high fructose beverages will turn your man into a fat lazy hunk of man cake. Is your man fat? It is your fault! Your poor excuse for cooking has either turned him to fast food or you, yourself are preparing unhealthy meals for him.
4) Children Are the Meat in your Family Sandwich
God tells us to be fruitful and to multiply. He isn’t talking about the devils apple or math. He wants you and your beloved husband to have children. He wants you to provide more little souls to spread the love of Jesus Christ and to stop the spread of evils, such as Muslimism, gayness, pop music, and socialist politicians.
Plus when you have children it is harder to be selfish and give up on the marriage. God tells us that marriage is “until death do you part”. Unfortunately today marriage is too easy for young hussies and harlots to break. Parents spoil their children especially their daughters by telling them that they are Princesses. I have news for you. You are not a Princess and if you don’t shut your mouth and cook for your husband there will be strife in the home. Counter to the word and wishes of God, too many people just give up on their life time pledge “to love and obey”.
5) Let your Man Watch HIS TV Programs
Once again, after a long day of work your christian man wants to watch what he wants to watch. He wants to watch the news, or sports or that funny yet still moral sit-com. He doesn’t want to watch The not very real but very whoreish housewives of where ever, and forget about dragging him to that new Sandra Bullock romantic comedy.
The same goes for the weekend. He wants to watch sports. Let him watch his football game. He deserves it. He also deserves his rest. He has had a long week working. Let him take a nap on the couch. I know as women our first thought when we see a stationary man is to nag him into fixing this or that, or into going here or there. But don’t do it. Nagging your man when he wants to watch sports only leads to him going to the “sports bar” where he gets drunk on cheap beer and will probably go home with that whore of a waitress that looks like a slutty high school cheerleader that has been held back a few decades to long. By nagging, you can push him into the arms of another and break up your happy home.
6)Mama’s DON’T let your Children Grow up to be Emos
As a parent it is your job to raise the children when your christian husband is at work. He is counting on your parenting skills not to embarrass him as a man. Nothing is more embarrassing as a christian parent than having nasty little children that dress in black and slather on eye liner like raccoons. Just imagine the hushed whispers as you enter the church with your daughter dressed in a Black skirt, Black BVB shirt, Black hair and Black makeup. Even worse, imagine when your son walks in wearing the same exact thing!
7) Don’t Make So Much Trash for Him to Take Out, or Do it Yourself.
As women we don’t like to touch the trash. So many of us become lazy and leave it for the man to deal with. The problem comes when we pile the trash up into heaps. You don’t want to deal with that, so why do you think he wants to? The worse is when it is piled so high that he has to take the households trash and pile it into several other bags. At least change out the bags so he doesn’t have to do your work as well as his own.
8: The Man is Always Right.
With today’s liberal media we are told that we are equal to men. Today’s liberal women think that they should be payed the same as men, but why should a boss pay you the same when you are more likely to get pregnant and be out for 9 months or more? This is why we should stay in the home. The bible even tells us that our place is at home. I understand that with today’s economy many women have to take jobs to help pay the bills but just because we can get a secretary job does not mean that we are a man’s equal.
The fact is, that we are better than men in some cases. When it comes to having babies, men are incapable of doing that. We are better at picking out clothes for the family and are better at cleaning the house. But there are many things that men are better at, and the Bible tells us that he is the boss and the one in charge. Why disagree with God? Why disagree with your husband?
9) Properly Hide your Feminine Products
No man wants to see our shameful women’s hygiene products. This can be difficult when we share a bathroom with our husband. I find that a nondescript box on the floor in the back of the bathroom closet is a good hiding place. Warn your husband what is in the box so that he does not go into it looking for some clean towels. Of course if you have properly done the laundry, there will be a good supply of fresh and clean towels for the family.
10) Properly Reward Your Man
Women are to behave ourselves in a proper way. We are not to act like dirty sluts. Except in one place. In the marriage bed chamber we should please our men as they would like to be pleased. But with certain common sense and regulation of course. Sodomy is never acceptable. And as one ages, certain high risk positions are not suggested.
We should keep ourselves in good shape and attractive to our men so that we will be desirable to them. This goes back to properly preparing healthy and nutritious meals for the family. It also involves a brisk jog and exercise during the day. Put down the box of chocolates and get off that couch. I find that a vigorous daily cleaning of the house keeps me in shape.
So I hope that this has helped many of the less holy women out there understand how to behave more properly. Remember a happy home is a good home!
Editor’s Note: This is satire, hence it is filed in For Laughs.
(via Christian Wire)