For the past couple of weeks we’ve had a lively discussion about intimacy and it’s various meanings.
This whole discussion started off with the question, what’s the difference between intimacy and sex? Since your host of the Simple Marriage Project is a guy, I thought I’d take a moment and cover the easier of the two topics in the question. And let’s look at them through the lens of common mistakes.
A word of warning, this post is a bit more graphic than previous posts on the subject. Adults only please.
While both genders commit sexual faux pas, this time I’m targeting us men.
So as a Christmas gift to you male readers – or maybe it’s a gift to your wife – or maybe it’s a gift to both of you! – here are a few blunders to avoid while being intimate and having sex with your wife:
1. Pursuing her only in bed. At the end of a long, busy day, as you climb into the sheets together, if there’s been no pre-game, it’s less likely that the main event is going to take place. Think of pursing your lover as an all day affair. Women love to be wooed. And the best wooing can be of her mind. Let her know you’re thinking about her. You desire her.
2. Not speaking up or being direct. Many men fall victim to the idea that sex will just happen. It’s part of marriage, right? If you believe this then little more effort than “hey honey, wanna do it?” may be made. Or the issue may be brought up via passive language, “so are we going to have sex tonight?” While you may think there’s nothing wrong with this last statement, wording it that way makes it seem like an obligation. Another thing on the to-do list. Try being a bit more direct, “baby, I want you.”
3. Letting yourself go. While you may have said “for better or worse” and this may include some fluctuations in weight, don’t let yourself go completely. Moving from the wash board abs to the round rock abs may be a bit of an inevitability over time, don’t rush it. Your wife wants a husband who takes care of himself – from your basic hygiene, to how you dress, to what shape you’re in – physically, mentally, and spiritually.
4. Going south too soon, or not at all. Diving in for the genitals too soon, whether this be by hand or orally, usually isn’t the best idea. Your wife needs to be properly aroused before heading south. Focus on her whole body. Head to toe. And don’t forget her mind. For those who don’t go at all, that may be fine with your wife, or it may not. Have you asked her? Talk about your thoughts on the subject together.
One thing I’ve come across while counseling “good Christian” clients is a guilty feeling tied to the oral sex subject. To combat whether or not oral sex is Biblical, spend some time reading Song of Solomon.
5. Ignoring, or not knowing, the clitoris. Many men may think a woman’s orgasmic ability is due to penetration. And while there is pleasure during penetration, a major player for her is on the sidelines.
The clitoris’ only function is pleasure – so don’t ignore her prime-time performer.Â If you’re one of the many men who don’t know what I’m talking about, go to the library and find an anatomy book. At the risk of TMI, one of the best things for our sex life has been what my wife and I learned during the “sexuality” coursework of my education.
Become a student of her body – she’ll thank you for it.
6. Missing other erogenous zones. Most women have more erogenous areas than simply her breasts, nipples, and genitals. The big three may be the zones that are most stimulating for men during foreplay, but you may want to wait until you’re invited before moving in. Ask her what she likes. And then remember what she tells you!!! Take the time to learn your wife’s other “hot” zones. Neck, shoulders, back, buttocks, and feet are common zones. Generally speaking, their other zones are usually what lights up the big three!
Never forget – the hottest zone of all is between her ears – her mind.
7. Seeking to score for yourself. Many men may seek to just “get some.” Be sure to realize that sex is best when there are two of you playing the game. Learn to stay present in the moment. To follow her lead. And to follow the connection between the two of you. This will lead to the best climaxes for both of you.
8. Not exploring her fantasies. All women have an erotic side. While some may have no idea where this is located, research has found that women are more aroused by explicit fantasies than romantic ones. If you are one who wants to up the role-play or fantasy side of sex, have you taken the lead? If you long for your wife to “dress up” for you and she’s unwilling, how about greeting your wife one evening in costume? Come into the bedroom with only a bow tie on and a towel over your arm as “Jeeves, her butler willing to serve her for the evening.”
9. Thinking she should act like a porn star. Speaking of fantasies, one of the many terrible things depicted in pornography is the thought that she should fulfill your every fantasy. This is not reality. She is not an object, don’t treat her as such.
10. Believing once is enough for her. She just had a through the roof orgasm, she’s perfectly content, right? Wrong. Many women are not near as quick to come down from their revved up state as men. Even if you’re content, don’t rule out the second half, or even overtime. There are many other ways of pleasing her. There’s the whistle, get back in the game.
A word of caution – make sure she’s the one interested in more. Men can turn the pursuit of more into a personal scorecard – “The more orgasms I can give her, the better lover I am.” Not true if she’s either satisfied or not made for multiples. If that’s the case, then you’re manipulating her body to stroke your ego -“ and that’s never sexy!
11. Going too fast. If there’s one bit of advice I’ve given almost every couple I’ve counseled when it comes to sex it’s this: slow down. Take your time with each other. Enjoy the moments together. If you only have time for a “quickie” then this may not apply. But if you’ve got the time together, don’t rush it. Slow down. Relax. And enjoy!
Corey is the editor of Simple Marriage as well as a licensed marriage & family therapist. While he has a Ph.D. in Family Therapy, he only occasionally likes to be called doctor. If you enjoyed this post, please subscribe so you don’t miss any future posts. This post was first published in Simple Marriage.