One of the best things about marriage is the comfort level you get to with a person who knows you both inside and out. After 10 years of marriage, I can officially say that I have done most things in front of my husband, including shower, pee, have babies, laugh until soda came out of my nose, and sleep. But there are still a few things I will never do in front of him.
It’s not that we aren’t intimate. We are. Deeply. But I am someone who believes strongly in the power of distance. It makes the heart grow fonder, after all. Some things are just meant to stay private. Forever.
Like pooping, for instance. There is a discussion right now on CafeMom about this, and some are in favor of pooping in front of their love, while others aren’t. For me, this is a massive no-no. Here are five things I would simply never do in front of my spouse:
Be Sick to Your Stomach
I’m sorry ladies. I don’t care how much the two of you love each other and how many times he has held your hair while it comes out the OTHER end. The fact is, no one — and I mean NO ONE — wants to hear all the ripping and pushing that comes with being sick to your stomach the #2 way. Sorry. Keep that shite (literally) to yourself. Turn on the fan and keep him out until you have sprayed major air freshener.
Pick Your Nose
I dry heave at the thought. We all know it has to happen sometimes. But just keep that stuff to yourself. No one’s fingers belong in anyone’s noses. The end.
Cut Your Toenails
I don’t know why, but this really skeeves me out. I don’t want to see him doing it and I will get my pedicures at the salon FAR from his prying eyes.
Pick a Wedgie
I am sure some of you feel just fine doing this, but let’s face it: panty lines are one of THE most unsightly fashion paux there are. He doesn’t need to know that your underwear slips into your butt crack. Turn around. Pick it out. Keep the mystery.
Floss Teeth
It’s not a big deal. He won’t divorce you over tooth flossing, but do you really want him to see you wide-mouthed, picking nasty chunks of old food from between your molars like some kind of animal?
Shave Your Face
Some women do this as a means of exfoliation. Or hair removal. Either way, never. NEVER. Let him see. Unless you want him to think you are the bearded lady. Unless that’s a turn-on to him, it could be a problem. That is all.
Pop a Zit
This is just a gross thing and something no one needs to see. I don’t want to see him do it and I sure as hell don’t want him to see me do it. If the bathroom door is locked, you can wait outside, honey!
Belch
I am sure there are some couples who think this is really funny and don’t mind. But if that’s not you, just don’t do it. Belching may be funny, but it’s not sexy.
Remove Hair
This means everything. I don’t shave, wax, tweeze, or anything else in front of my man. It’s just how I roll.
Poop
Sorry, ladies. I know some of you disagree with me and think the family who poops together stays together, but no. Not me. Not ever. After 12 years with the same man, I can officially say I still don’t even TALK about poop with him. I don’t want to hear about his and I don’t want him to ask him about mine. Better to keep it all private and pretend it doesn’t happen. Some mystery isn’t a bad thing.
Drive Badly
You know when you get a brand new car and you take it off the lot after spending more than $30,000 and you promptly scratch it RIGHT in front of him? Yeah. Don’t do that. Or, if you do, cover your ears to block the screams of horror. If you have to ding the car, better to do it when his eyes are elsewhere.
Criticize His ‘Manhood’
Would you like it if he said you have small breasts that didn’t do it for him? Or an ugly vagina? No? Then don’t do the same. It’s not funny. Ever.
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