Have you ever dated a woman who just seemed a little off? Like she was too much effort? Like she was involved in WAY too much drama? Like she was always changing the way she felt about you? Like she was giving you mixed messages? I can see how dating and relating experiences like this can really confuse you. Not only that, I can see how it could really put you off women in general because of how easy it is to assume that all women are the same.
Some of you have just resigned yourself to the fact that woman are a species which does not WANT to be understood.
This means a woman who is actually 35 years old can have the emotional maturity level of a 15 year old. I will also note that emotionally maturity is not entirely dependent on age. There are some younger women out there who are incredibly mature for their age and vice versa. There are a number of reasons why maturity does or does not develop but more on that later. First I want to help you guys really identify: what an emotionally immature woman looks like, what she does, and then why she is the way she is.
The Emotionally Immature Woman
What would be one defining factor of an emotionally immature woman? Despite the fact that there are numerous factors if I had to sum it up in a sentence of two it would go something like this: “An emotionally immature woman doesn’t have the skills or experience to cope with reality. An emotionally immature woman doesn’t understand what boundaries are. An emotionally immature woman doesn’t know where things start and where they should end.” She has no coping skills. She has no sense of personal responsibility. For an emotionally immature woman the world simply exists to serve her purposes. Like a child who: screams, cries, and yells to get what they want, so too, do emotionally immature women. Except they may use their femininity and sexuality as the bargaining chip. Sexual looks, flirtatious smiles, sexual favors, and sex are all tools to get what they want, when they want it. And, you know what? It proves to be an effective about 99% of the time. So why would they need to learn anything else?
In need of awareness …
An emotionally immature woman has no sense of awareness of what she is doing. She is on autopilot. She is in constant reaction to her emotions to her needs and wants. She is happy if she gets what she wants. She has tantrum if she doesn’t get what she wants immediately. She has no sense of herself in her own world. She has limited ability or want to reflect or analyze her actions. She has no insight into herself. She does not really know what she is doing. And, in some respects you can’t blame her. She simply doesn’t know anything else.
In need of personal autonomy …
Emotionally immature women don’t understand the idea of personal autonomy. It’s for this reason they are more likely to flake on dates and appointments with you. It’s for this reason they may seem so disorganized with their life. It’s for this reason they may feel like a victim rather than the leader and creator of their own life. It’s for this reason why they are likely to blame something outside themselves instead of owning a mistake and then taking positive action to change it. It’s for this reason they may not be able to follow through on their word.
In need of boundaries …
Emotionally immature women need boundaries. Just like a little child who is spoilt, the thing you can really do is: change the expectations of the child, impose boundaries, and use a reward based system for the desired behavior. The same is for an emotionally immature woman. She doesn’t know that she needs boundaries, but this is something that she so desperately needs to experience.
What An Emotionally Mature Woman Looks Like
See, when a woman is emotionally mature she can do all these things and more. She has a sense of self control. She can accept and control her urges. She has wisdom and the ability to look at her life reflectively and learn from her mistakes. She understands the concept of personal responsibility and has accountability for all of her actions. She has a sense of independence to make her own decisions and to observe the consequences in a rational manner. Because she has all of these, she is more likely to engage in: altruism, anticipation, humor, flexibility, and adaptability.
An emotionally mature woman can role with the punches. She can take things in her stride. She can communicate what she wants.
She can: listen, learn, validate, appreciate, and respond to you. She is more innately optimistic because she understands that at any given point she has the skills to deal with life. Because she has done it in the past and she can do it again. It means she can speak up for what she wants, without having an emotional tantrum. So instead of acting upset, she simply states what she wants. If her partner is not listening to her or she feels she is not being heard, she will say something. She will do the best to communicate by: listening, validating, accepting, and then speaking. She will process a lot of her thoughts before blurting them out. She will think about things first before sharing with you. She will truly listen to what you have to say and using her own independent mind, come to her own conclusions and then communicate this with you.
Why Is She Emotionally Immature?
A woman can be emotionally immature for a number of reasons. This could be dependent on the way she was raised. Maybe she didn’t have a strong female role model in her life to learn from. Maybe she was nurtured up until a later age in her growing up period and didn’t need to develop these skills. Because there is an inability to process her emotions – there has been no need to process her emotions and therefore there has been no real desire to emotionally mature. Women who also get into relationships with men from an early age can also be prone to this as well. Part of emotional maturity is a sense of independence and a sense of self. If they are having relationships with men from a very early age, their sense of self is tied to a man. If this man is no longer in their life or the men in their life are consistently churning, her sense of identity is always unstable and consistently churning, too.
She has no foot holding in her world.
Women who are incredibly attractive may also experience this. Since they have been able to get what they want 99% of the time based on their looks, they have very little in terms of strategies and ways of getting what they want, when their looks don’t work. This is why they go back to brattiness and whining since this was the last conscious memory they recall which also helped them get what they wanted. Unfortunately this is technique that worked better when they were younger.
Again, if 99% of the time their looks are getting them what they want, then there is very little desire or need for them to look at positive alternatives.
All of this should be taken into account when dating and relating with a woman. Observing how she acts over time will also be very important – so that you can start to see a pattern. Once you start spending more time with a woman you will see how clearly her emotional maturity level will shine through. Once you can identify and know exactly what you are dealing with, then you have the power again to decide where you want to take it.
With that said, when you truly understand what creates attraction and what drives a woman it is a lot easier to attract them. The more women that you attract the greater choice you have. The more choice you have the more selective you can really be. I know how tempting it can be to want to hang onto a woman even though you have identified her as emotionally immature (simply because you don’t think you can do better).
I urge you to understand that if you can focus on identifying what an emotionally mature woman wants in a man and cultivate and develop those qualities in yourself you will be in much more control.
And, you will be much more fulfilled in the process. That would be better than settling. That would be better than just giving up. See, when you do either of those you lose a tiny part of that spark. You dim that fire that is burning inside of you. This fire, this spark inside you, should be viciously guarded. It should be protected, because it is the greatest gift any one of us could ever possess. So don’t destroy it by settling.
Word of caution
Don’t assume that if a woman is giving you mixed messages that she is emotionally immature. She may not be into you. She may not be sure about you and processing. You need to take an overall snapshot of how she is overall responding to you. After a woman experiences something really intense she may need a couple of days to recover. Other times she could be battling things in her head, along with the attraction she feels for you. This is a common reason why woman will say one thing and then do another. Because they don’t have the awareness to understand what it is that they truly want. Or to admit to themselves that they are in fact attracted to this man.
Also note that a woman will always be doing her best to reflect back what you are giving her. Put a woman in front of 10 different men and she may behave in 10 different ways.
This is because women are responders of men. They absorb and reflect back what is being given to them.
A man with presence is more than likely going to make a woman feel more calm, feminine and relaxed. All these naturally help her process her emotions. When a woman can process her emotions she is more able to react in more predictable ways. So, when you are not assertive in placing boundaries at the beginning she will learn that “it is okay” to overstep them. So, when you start re-enforcing more boundaries she will be taken aback and will probably even have a little more resistance. Is that her fault? Or is she simply treating you the way that you taught her to? In my own personal experience there were men who drew out different maturity levels within me. With the men that had a presence which made me feel safe, secure and validated I would be able to reflect and behave in ways that were very emotionally mature. Where this security was threatened whilst I wouldn’t turn into a complete emotional mess, I found it harder to communicate and process more of my emotions. So, again, it’s also very important that you do certain things early on with a woman she will bring out her greatest version of emotional maturity.
How To Deal With Emotionally Immature Women … Should You Choose To.
I say should you choose to because I want you to remember that you are always the one that has a choice. If you are looking for is an emotionally mature woman and you have identified she is emotionally immature (more than you can or want to handle) – then don’t continue seeing her. It’s really that simple. You don’t owe it to anyone to continue dating her. In fact by cutting your contact with her you may give her to opportunity to grow up a little. She may be able to take that situation as an opportunity to wake up and truly see how HER actions are driving certain men away.
The best ways to deal with emotionally immature women is to assertively place boundaries very early on in your relationship with them. It also involves paying enough attention to pick up on her manipulative techniques and call her out on her games.
If you find a woman who is emotionally immature but want to learn how she can learn in this area, then you can choose to really guide her along this process too. This means that you can hold her to a higher standard, treat her like you would an emotionally mature woman and encourage her when she acts like a mature woman. But the best thing about this process is the awareness puts you back into control. So, at the end of the day, it’s up to you to decide what you are willing and not willing to tolerate. This is a very good thing.
(via Hot Alpha Female)