It’s time to stop fronting.
There’s nothing wrong with being single. Everyone’s single at some point (apart from those people who just swing from one relationship to another like a desperate relationship monkey).
But let’s stop lying to ourselves about why we’re painfully alone. Here are some cold, hard, home truths.
1. Because you think you’re better than everyone else.
2. Because you haven’t changed your bed sheets for two months.
3. Because you’re always watching Friends re-runs on Comedy Central.
4. Because spending any longer than nine minutes in your company is completely unbearable.
5. Because you have a poster of Britney Spears on your wall.
6. Because you’ve slept with all of your friends.
7. Because you always talk about how many kids you want on first dates.
8. Because you are convinced everyone fancies you.
9. Because you don’t actually like other people.
10. Because you only know one joke. What’s red and invisible? No tomatoes.
11. Because you’re really obnoxious when you’re drunk.
12. Because you only want someone when you can’t have them.
13. Because you use the word ‘chillax’.
14. Because you use Meg Ryan quotes in general conversation.
15. Because emotions.
16. Because you chew with your mouth open.
17. Because your orgasm face gives people nightmares.
18. Because that baby voice you use makes everyone want to vomit.
19. Because you’re drunk ALL THE TIME.
20. Because you’re a dick on twitter.
21. Because you’re too busy taking pictures of your own face.
22. Because you smell of damp from your sh*t rented house share.
23. Because you find meeting new people boring.
24. Because the instant someone asks you out, you stop fancying them.
25. Because you’re incredibly judgmental.
26. Because of that ongoing eye infection.
27. Because you wouldn’t know a good time if it hit you in the face.
28. Because when you’re drunk all you want to do is eat McDonalds.
29. Because when you’re with your friends you act like a dick.
30. Because your coffee order is really insufferable.
31. Because you only ever talk about yourself.
32. Because you wear socks in bed.
33. Because your hair smells of yesterday.
34. Because you think emojis are lame.
35. Because you insist on calling everyone ‘babe’.
36. Because you’re still wearing your wristband from last year’s Glastonbury.
37. Because no one likes looking at that sh*t tattoo you got in Malaga when you were 17.
38. Because you always have food in your teeth.
39. Because you don’t drink tea.
40. Because you DM people you’ve never met on Twitter.
41. Because you keep sending people pictures of your tits.
42. Because you keep asking people to send you pictures of their tits.
43. Because you wear a beret.
44. Because your bike is your plus one.
45. Because all your clothes are see-through.
46. Because of that rash you still haven’t been to see your doctor about.
47. Because you’re still hopelessly in love with your ex.