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Thursday, July 18, 2024

6 April Fools’ Day Stories We Wish Were Actually True

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Trust no one today. 

In fact, just don’t talk to anyone for the entire day. Chances are they’re going to lie to you then shout ‘APRIL FOOOOOLS’ later down the line.

Don’t worry, we’re on your side.

So we’ve debunked a few fake stories that may have caught you out. But how cool would it be if these were real!?

1. The Piggyback app

Sadly, you can see a douchey pair of hipsters launching a crowd funding page to get this service up and running.

It’s the new Piggyback feature by taxi app Hailo.

It works like Uber, except you might get to ride something more attractive than a Toyota Hybrid.

2. The Drunk Lock

Revolutionary, isn’t it?

We know locks are there for our own safety blah blah blaaah, but they’re such a pain in the a*** after 11 White Lightenings and three Jagerbombs.

Stuart Wilson, marketing director, at IronmongeryDirect, said: ‘The Night Lock is proving to be by far the most in demand product in our range and it’s not even available to buy yet.

‘We all know how difficult and frustrating it can be to get a key in the lock the first time, especially when it’s dark, so we created this lock to be the perfect solution for such a common problem.

‘However feedback from our pre-launch customer trial has also revealed that many think the lock will similarly be a godsend for people who have had one too many to drink.’

3. Bouncy Tesco aisles

There are so many obvious advantages for us. But from a business strategy perspective, this could be exactly what Tesco needs to dig itself out of the financial black hole it’s in.

Daisy O’Farllop, director of aisle operations at Tesco, said: ‘Introducing bouncy aisles is both a practical and fun solution to help our customers reach products on the top shelves, as well as speed up their shopping trip.

‘Tesco’s patented Spring Stepper Shelf Solutions® will be fitted to the floor, running alongside the shelves, leaving space in the middle of the aisle for customers to walk down with trolleys. We initially planned to trial it in one store, but feedback has been so positive that we’re now scheduling a full roll-out of the bouncy aisles across the UK over the next 12 months.’

4. Confused. com to make toys instead

Great news. The fat man and that robot do our heads in. Please make toys instead.

Actually, don’t they already make a stupid BRIAN toy? Bore off,confused.com.

5. Groupon offers dog talking lessons

Epic. It’s about time Groupon offered something more than 25 per cent off Strada *excluding weekends.

The course that everyone in the world would attended promises to teach you simple barking phrases like: ‘Bring me my slippers now, slave dog,’ and; ‘If you don’t stop yapping I’ll drive you to a kennel 58 miles from here and never return.’

6. There is no number 6 – LOLZ – APRIL FOOOOOLS!

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