1. You’re tempted to Do It with someone else
Not just ‘Oh, that’d be fun I wonder what it’d be like to sow my lady-oats in another man-oat/lady-oat (what ever floats your b-oat)’ but something a bit more serious. As in, you genuinely want to have sex with someone else and you’re starting to get antsy. Temptation is everywhere, but we all know that temptation feels different to actually wanting to leap into bed with another dude. See also: you keep passionately snogging other people in clubs but not going home with them out of guilt – er, you might want to have a sit down and ask yourself if you really want to be in a relationship right now (hint: the answer is almost certainly no).
2. You’ve Done It with someone else…
… And it’s not something he’d be cool with you Doing. Go polyamorous if that’s your sex-bag, but that shit only works if both of you are on the same page and happy about said page. While it’s something you might be able to work through, you’ve got to make sure you either break up or break the news gently. As in, not during a game of I Have Never, not in the form of a post-it note on the fridge, not spelled out in candles on a birthday cake and not when you’re drunk at 3am with wine down your dress. I’ve been cheated on and it’s a pretty hard thing to swallow, so be nice about it.
3. He won’t go down on you even though you love it
There’s nothing more awkward and upsetting than someone not wanting to go near your vagina. Especially considering that, for a lot of women, oral is the best/often only way to come. If you’re giving out blozzas like there’s no tomorrow, and he’s just not reciprocating then flat-out ask. Ask why he doesn’t want to party with your nethers (but don’t call them nethers) and, if he’s not that into it, is an oral-less life something you’re happy to live with? How does you vagina feel about that? What about alternatives (hello, vibrators, fingers etc)? Is this going to be the huge Oral Elephant in the room and make you feel all insecure about your ladyparts? If so, then get out of there. There are hundreds of people out there who’d pay to get stuck in there. Go do your vagina a favour and find one of them.
4. You don’t feel attractive or sexy any more
If, in bed, you SO is making you feel like a troll – whether they’re taking you for granted or saying things like ‘You look like a troll’ – then you need to figure out why. It could be that you’ve got low self-esteem and, if you’re anything like me, need someone to constantly reassure you that you’re not terrifying to behold when bra-less (I’m loads of fun). Say you need help and if they deal with this in a caring, helpful way then it’ll ALLLLLL be all right. If they’re a prick about it then leave them because you should be going out with someone who thinks you’re the hottest thing since a hot piece of bread, and tells you so.
5. You’re not getting wet
And it’s not down to some physiological issue that can be rectified with a bottle of lube/a Ryan Gosling Googling session. Sometimes, it feels like he might as well be having a wank using you instead of his hand, and sometimes no matter how much you try and get into it you just wish it’d all… just… stop. Life is too short to be having boring sex. Either decide to put some effort into making each other explode (Vibrators! Spanking! Nice underwear! Pretending you’re both lumberjacks!) or consign yourself to being bored and unsatisfied. It’ll either work, or it won’t. And it doesn’t, then maybe you should both…just…stop.
6. He’s wanking a lot on his own, but doesn’t seem to want to shag you
If you know for a fact your SO is bashing one out regularly, but just doesn’t seem interested in the real live human they could be getting their rocks off with (i.e. you), then there’s a problem. Confronting the problem is the only answer, and if nothing changes or they’re unwilling to chat about it, then you’ve got to ask yourself whether this is the sort of arrangement you hoped and dreamed of. If he’s wanking over pictures of his ex, then don’t bother with the talking bit – just kick him in the balls and throw him out the window. On the other end of the spectrum, if it’s over pictures of you, then that’s just weird. Probably talk to him about that.
7. You want to try something new, he doesn’t. Ever
I’m not just talking about the fact he’d prefer it if you didn’t slip a finger in his arse during sex, because we’ve all got our preferences and some of them don’t include things going up your arse. I’m talking about repeated lack of adventurousness. He doesn’t want to try any other position than the two options you’ve already mastered (missionary and missionary on the side when you’re too knackered or have eaten loads of pizza), and he’s not bothered that you’ve always wanted to try roleplay/reverse cowgirl/a spot of chandelier swinging. Relationships are about compromise and sex is about fun. If there’s no compromise, and there’s no fun then what’s the point? Buy a chandelier. Swing from it. If he doesn’t like it, then he can go and missionary someone else for the rest of his life.
( via De Brief)
