Sometimes I get tired of hearing myself say Don’t touch! I am sure my husband gets annoyed, too, since it’s him who is doing the touching. It’s not that I don’t like his touch, you see, I really do love it to the millionth degree, but there are times when he touches me in a place during a certain time that makes me want to scream.
Of course I don’t scream for fear of waking up our kids who have recently decided to go on a sleep strike leaving us to rarely get any touchy feely time in anyway so I should really take it when I can get it. But I’m trying to make the best out of every touchy feely moment — trying to make the best of this moment for everyone. So here’s my list on the places a man should never touch on a woman’s body along with the worst times to do it. Because I’m not saying these places should never be touched, I’m saying they shouldn’t be touched in certain scenarios. Men, you need to be astute. I know, it’s hard sometimes. But here’s help.
1. The nipple when other things are going on with our body. Avoid nipple pinching when we’re breastfeeding or about to have our periods. It just hurts … in the bad way.
2. The leg when it hasn’t been shaved and we’ve been meaning to shave but just didn’t get around to it. We want to be smooth, but now you’ve gone and realized we are prickly and lazy, making us feel instantly unattractive. (Unless of course you are into that sort of thing.)
3. The vagina when it needs a bath. If you start going downtown and she pulls you back up, this is your red flag that she’s not feeling so fresh. Respect it because your attempt will be futile. She probably won’t enjoy it while worrying about her lady odor anyway.
4. The anus without a lubricated finger. One question will help you understand: How do you think it would feel to shove your penis in a keyhole?
5. Our hair after we just spent hours at the salon. Common sense, right? Come on, guys!
6. The face when we’re oily or have a pimple. If you don’t know when this is because men seem to generally be blind to these sorts of things, tell your woman you think she looks so pretty. If she acts surprised and mentions something about her skin not being right or sort of looks away to hide her face, this may be a good time to avoid face touching. Or, you know, just look to see if there is a blemish.
7. The stomach after a large meal. We really want to have a flat tummy, but it’s nearly impossible most times, particularly after we just ate a cheeseburger with sweet potato French fries and had a beer. Or during a premenstrual bloat. Or when we eat anything with beans.
8. Anywhere after we have been sweating … a lot … and we aren’t drunk. I’d say about 99 percent of the time, most women don’t like a man to get all physical after we’ve gotten all physical at the gym. This is also true for when we have been outside heating up during those sweltering summer months. But I’ve found that if you add alcohol, this hang up of being touched when sweaty is gone. Same goes for all the others, too.
Of course there are always exceptions here, which makes it all the more confusing for men. Women can be hard to read and harder to please, but when you do read us and please us, everyone is satisfied. Got that, guys?
What places do you hate to be touched and in what scenarios?
Michele Zipploves vintage and will defend skinny jeans to the death though she is highly superstitious and “death” is probably a bad word choice. She has a touch of the hoarding disease and enjoys sleuthing, the worst reality shows, and wearing high heels, even at the playground. She’s an AP mom of twins, slightly crunchy but with a pedicure. This article was first published on The Stir.