I came across this sexual bucket list the other day — 50 Things To Try Sexually Before You Die — and I must admit, I was intrigued. Mostly, because I’m no novice when it comes to trying new stuff in bed. I have a sordid pre-husband history, plus when you’ve been married to the same guy for 13 years, you have to keep things interesting. Turns out, I’ve tried nearly everything on the list. (You’re welcome.) So to save you time, I’ve narrowed the list down to what’s worth it (Erotica!) and what’s not (Whipped cream = Strong pass.)
1. Use a Vibrator
Um, there are still people who don’t own one? Women! Get on the vibratory train — if you’re not comfortable taking care of business alone, go ahead and involve your partner. I assure you that no straight man will ever say no to that kind of solo show.
2. Be Tied Up/Tie Someone Up
Don’t go pansy when it comes to the ol’ tie up. Tie like you MEAN IT. Don’t simply decorate your partners wrists with a tie wrapped around several times, GET IN THERE with some serious hog-tying skills (with soft fabrics and materials of course, unless rope burn is your thing, in that case – you’re on your own.) A blindfold in this situation helps calm nerves. Trust me.
3. Sex in a Car
Meh. I’m not against it, just make sure you have something to tidy up with afterwards, if you know what I mean. Also, car sex can get a bit crowded, if not positioned properly. Recline that seat.
4. The Mile-High Club
Unless you’re on a private jet with something comfortable to work with, don’t even bother. I haven’t ever met an airline restroom that left me feeling even the slightest bit sexy, not to mention it’s hard enough to maneuver my body alone in one. This is one fantasy I’ve never understood (at least on a commercial airline.) I’ll start my own club, People-Who-Respect-Not-Being-Jammed-Against-A-Door-When-Having-Sex Club.
5. Read Erotica
50 Shades of Gray is crap. Read the beautiful series by Christina Lauren and get back to me.
6. Play Strip Monopoly
Strip Monopoly is for people who do not value their time and have all night and some of the next morning to get naked. My suggestion: strip rock, paper, scissors. Gets the job done in a quarter of the time.
7. Sex in the Shower/Sex Standing Up Against a Wall
Can be dangerous if slippery, so keep your wits about you. Also note that there are some relationships where height and weight a factor in regards to being able to accomplish the more “advanced” positions. (Which is to say, movies are LIARS.)
8. Learn to Give Yourself Multiple Orgasms
Look, I’ve never been a multiple kind of gal, I’m all about quality over quantity. Plus, after learning there are women who are completely and physically unable to orgasm, I’ll take what I can get. (However, if you’re able to pop off five or six a session, more power to you.)
9. Sex on the Beach…
…leads to sand in your cracks and folds. I don’t care how careful you are.
10. Whipped Cream
Use real dairy whipped cream and you will end up smelling like rank cow farts come morning. Besides, it’s really melty. May I suggest Pixy Stix as a delicious and non-melting alternative? (Still sticky, but not stinky.)
11. La Perla Lingerie Sex
If I’m spending $200 on a pair of britches, you’re not taking them off. What you’re going to do is stare at me until your eyeballs fall out of your head because let me restate: $200 for UNDERPANTS.
12. Frederick’s of Hollywood Lingerie Sex
Hey, is this a dig saying Frederick’s is the slutty little sister to La Perla? Because I think we can all agree that if we put both lingerie options side by side, most people would opt for the $14 crotchless panty sex over the $200 please-don’t-tear-the-fabric sex.
13. A Long-ie Sex Sesh in The Rain
Like, actually outside IN the rain? How do you know how long the rain is going to last? Where do you go to do it in the rain that you’re not going to be caught? If we’re talking inside as the rain falls outside, thumbs up — that’s romantic, but literally, in the rain? It’s basically shower sex with dirtier water and a felony.
14. Sex in the Ocean
Hard pass. Sharks, peeping toms, sharp seashells, or potentially salt-water straight to the face. (And need I remind you again about sand in your foldy places?) Maybe make out a little, but keep the seawater out of my sea biscuit.
15. Feather Ticklers
LOCK THE CAT OUT OF THE BEDROOM. Ow.