Most people like to view marriage as a partnership, two people travelling together down the road of life. The truth, however, is that men often cruise in the express lane while women get stuck in traffic. Bestselling author and relationship expert Dr. Venus Nicolino says studies suggest that tying the knot often comes with big perks for men: better health, longer lives, and more money. For women, it’s more of a mixed bag.
Why the imbalance? The answer lies in traditional views on gender roles and how we (don’t) talk about emotions, especially men. Dr. Venus Nicolino said the key to making marriage better for men and women lies in changing that situation.
In an appearance on the “Divorced Not Dead” podcast, hosted by British businesswoman and reality TV star Caroline Stanbury, Dr. Venus Nicolino started a conversation about marriage with some eye-opening facts.
“Marriage is an institution made by men, for men,” said Dr. Venus Nicolino. “It works for men. I want to caveat that with — this isn’t a bash on men. We need men in order to reshape this institution.”
However, she said, every quality-of-life measure done in studies dating back to the 1970s has found men benefit from marriage. “They get more sex than their single counterparts. They live longer. They report higher quality of life. And they report even making more money,” Dr. Venus Nicolino said.
“Conversely, in the same quality-of-life measures, women come out on the opposite end of the spectrum. Women die sooner. Women report less quality of life. They report less sex quality than their single counterparts. And they make less money.”
The only way to change the situation, she said, is to talk about the problem. And that, she said, has to start with men. But there are plenty of reasons why some men may like the status quo.
With Marriage, Men Win in Health and Money
The male advantage in marriage has been the focus of many studies. For example, Harvard Health notes that studies show married men outlive their single counterparts — not only the divorced men, but even those who never got married. They also cite a Japanese study that found never-married men were three times more likely to die from cardiovascular disease than married men.
Women may find it interesting that the benefits men enjoy in marriage derive from things wives do or have — even their education. Harvard Health reported that the more educated a man’s wife, the less risk he has of developing specific conditions such as coronary artery disease and risk factors like obesity, hypertension, obesity, high cholesterol, and smoking. “In the contemporary world, smart wives promote healthy hearts,” Harvard Health concluded.
When it comes to money, Dr. Venus Nicolino pointed out how companies react in very different ways when a male or female employee is having a child. A married man who is starting a family is often considered a stable candidate for promotion. A pregnant married woman, on the other hand, may have little chance of promotion because she is considered more likely to quit.
“You can really see how systemically marriage is an institution made by men, for men,” said Dr. Venus Nicolino. “That’s a lot to take in because I don’t think we usually think of it that way. Because, inevitably, you have some red-pill, sexist man come on and say, ‘Well, I got taken for everything in my divorce. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.’”
But, she said, “That’s not true, either. Divorce also hurts women — financially, quality of life, everything. So, this idea that somehow women are benefiting from marriage, women are benefiting from divorce, just isn’t true.”
The Traditional Dynamics of Marriage Haven’t Changed for Many Women
Dr. Venus Nicolino said society pushes many different views about marriage that are harmful. For example, she said it’s accepted by society that a 40-something man marries a woman in her late 20s. Switch the genders, though, and it raises eyebrows.
However, she said that “when you see a woman in her midlife and a younger man, that’s a great thing. You know why? It means the resources are being distributed properly.
“The only reason older men marry much younger women is that they have the resources to do so. So, whenever I see a woman in her midlife marrying a much younger man, I am just cheering her on. Because you know that there’s a power dynamic shift happening in society.”
Sadly, she said this tends to happen only among affluent people. “The majority of women are in a two-income household where the woman is earning half the money and doing the majority of parenting and household chores,” Dr. Venus Nicolino said.
She added that this reflects another belief enforced by society: For a man, his paycheck is all he needs to bring home. “And you have generations of this. It’s not his fault,” she said. “This isn’t like, ‘Oh, the men suck!’ They’re just doing what they have watched for generations. He watched his father do that, and his grandfather do that, and his great-grandfather do that. Bring home the paycheck. That’s all men were responsible for.”
The latest studies also show an interesting trend, Dr. Venus Nicolino said. In households where women make more money than their husbands, they also do more of the housekeeping and more of the parenting. “And guess what he’s doing? Less,” she said. “He’s making less money. He’s doing less child care. He’s doing less housework. He’s doing less.”
Making Marriage Work in the Modern World
Given these factors, Dr. Venus Nicolino said it’s not surprising many younger millennials and Gen Zers don’t plan to get married. “Why should we blame them?” she said.
For marriage to survive, she said that society has to make it work in a way that is beneficial for women now, not 2350 B.C., when people first started getting married (to establish alliances and manage property, naturally) or even in the 1950s. Modern marriage should focus on partnership and shared responsibility, not traditional gender roles.
Dr. Venus Nicolino said that is largely a conversation that men need to lead. And she said those conversations need to start with developing more respect for women.
“What men don’t realize is that they don’t benefit from this situation,” she said. “While they’ll benefit from the actual institution of marriage, to uphold all these misogynistic and sexist attitudes doesn’t enable them to have a full emotional life.”
Equality, she said, is about enabling men to have an emotional language and share what they feel inside. That can help them get past the feeling that they are seen as weak if they admit emotions. “When men are aggressive and assertive, that somehow is OK,” Dr. Venus Nicolino said. “But showing love and affection isn’t.”
Los Angeles-based Dr. Venus Nicolino is the bestselling author of “Bad Advice: How To Survive and Thrive in an Age of Bull—-“. Her take on a host of issues is also available on the “The Tea With Dr. V” podcast, and on her popular TikTok and Instagram channels. She holds a master’s degree in counseling psychology and a master’s degree and a doctorate in clinical psychology.
