‘Hold Your Thing’: The Return Of Cases Of Genital ‘Stealing’, By Charles...

‘Hold Your Thing’: The Return Of Cases Of Genital ‘Stealing’, By Charles Novia

By Charles Novia | Op-Ed Contributor on October 10, 2015
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It seems almost every political season, the season of elections and selections, the curious cases of missing genitals reoccur in Nigeria, especially in Lagos.

I have been reading some posts online and having a good laugh at the mundane stories which many swear are true experiences. Since one doesn’t know what to believe anymore, it would be better to hypothesise about the phenomenon.

They say some strange jazz men are back on the prowl and their area of expertise has to do with the male victims suddenly losing their genitals at the slightest touch by these surreal scallywags.

It’s not unusual now to see lots of guys at public bus stops and parks, clutching their crotches tightly while casting suspicious glances at any other person near to them. In Lagos, any superstitious story is first believed before it is disproved.

This prickly predicament was quite a fearful story told by many in the early nineties. In fact, I will give two mundane tales from such throwbacks of testicular terror so that we all would understand why the new frenzy about disappearing organs is worth more than a dismissal.

The first preposterous tale I heard in 1991 was said to have happened in Oshodi in Lagos. According to the story, a group of young lads was playing early evening football in one of the open air spaces at the dreaded and notorious Oshodi, with a few spectators cheering the players on. A white Peugeot 504 pulled up behind the make shift goal post and a lanky Alhaji came out , dressed in a flowing agbada and leaned on his car, puffing heavily on his Cuban cigar.

A few minutes later, the ball was mistakenly kicked towards him and Alhaji picked it up and waited for the lad who ran up to him to get the ball back on the field.

“You play very well,” Alhaji said to the smiling lad and gave him a handshake before handing him the ball.

The lad, whom we shall call Segun, ran back to the field but midway, he felt a cold sensation as if some of the ice in the North Pole had been put on his penis and when his startled hands went to his privates, he discovered that he had none! His balls were off the field, if you get the pun!

Segun didn’t hesitate. He ran back to the cigar puffing Alhaji who was about to enter his car and held his Agbada tight, raising an alarm which got his other players and some spectators around him.

“Alhaji, gimme my prick! Gimme my prick!” Segun screamed and kicked. He even pulled down his shorts and showed the stunned crowd the now flat surface between his legs.

“Alhaji, gi’ am im prick na! Gi’ am im prick o!” Many in the crowd screamed, with the males among them simultaneously holding their privates in fear. In fact, no one would even touch Alhaji for fear of suffering the same fate as the whimpering Segun.

Alhaji was as cool as cucumber and gave a wide smile to reveal kolanut stained teeth.

“Walahi, I nor get im flick,” Alhaji said with strong frecatives in his speech. “Dis yaro flick nor be the type wey my Oga send me to bling come for am. Walahi!”

On hearing that, a few people thought it wise at that point to scamper off the scene lest their ‘flicks’ somehow fit Alhaji’s mundane specifications! But some other brave crotch – clutching sympathisers prevailed on Alhaji to ‘help’ the poor Segun with ‘at least another prick’ so as not to destroy his life psychologically.

Alhaji turned to Segun and said, “I go give you a new flick. But walahi, nor be me take your flick o. Your old flick before before; na big one or na small one?”

It was said that in actual fact, Segun had a penis slightly bigger than his little finger. His playmates had made him the butt of penis jokes each time they showered together after football sessions.

But Segun was a smart guy, who saw this as an opportunity to get a new and big organ and wasted no time in screaming out, “My prick big before. E big before! You must give me big one!”

The jaws of some of Segun’s team mates dropped at the blatant lie but no one wanted to be the first to disprove that lie when the owner of the missing privates was hell bent on getting an endowed recompense from Alhaji.

Alhaji nodded. “OK. Na big flick you want, ba? Walahi, I go give you big flick.”

He muttered some incantations which sounded like, ‘Abinci, Abinci, Gindi, Gindi, Daura Damboruwa!’. And next thing touched Segun’s torso with am amulet.

Segun shouted as a warm sensation hit him. Upon examining his torso, everyone was astounded as he happily showed off a sizeable penis to the stunned crowd.

And when they turned to look for Alhaji, both Alhaji and his white car was nowhere to be found!

That’s the first story. Stay tuned for the second story soon just to prove to you all that I’m not dicking around.

Charles Novia is an award-winning filmmaker. He is founder of November Productions and November Records. Connect with him on Facebook.

The opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the author.

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