For many women, the term “lover” conjures up images of a mistress, a woman who’s engaged in a wild fling, or a character in a romance novel. Her life seems a little shocking, a little scandalous and maybe a bit exciting.
And sometimes, women wish they could do the things she’s doing, says the things she’s saying and experience some of the excitement she’s feeling—in other words, be somebody’s lover.
But, stepping into the role of the lover can require a bit of effort. You may have embraced it early in marriage, but then let it slide. Or maybe you allowed other roles—mom, teacher, chauffeur, employee, daughter, friend—to push it aside. Or maybe you just never really got comfortable with the idea of being a lover.
Whatever your situation, you can embrace and relish this sensual, sexual part of your life. Here are four steps that can help you get started:
1. Make space in your life.
Busyness is the enemy of the lover. If you’re running from one commitment to another — all day, every day — you won’t have time or energy to invest in becoming a lover. You’ll replace what author Esther Perel refers to as “erotic energy” with “domestic energy”—a singular focus on children, chores, tasks and to-do lists.
So, determine to make sex a priority by creating space and margins around your life, in order to allow it to flourish.
It won’t be easy—you’ll probably have to make decisions and take steps that disrupt your normal routine. It may involve reining in your family’s schedule, saying no or disappointing some people, but it will be worth it.
2. Envision yourself as a lover.
Chances are, some of the roles you’re juggling — wife, mom, employee, cook, chauffeur, referee — are crowding out an equally important and even more pleasurable role—lover. So, practice thinking of yourself as a sexual person, a woman who enjoys sex and intimacy.
Do things that promote that frame of mind—take time to relax and unwind, dress in a way that makes you feel good about your body, listen to sexy music, wear provocative scents or use them in your bedroom. Think about sexual encounters you and your husband have enjoyed in the past, and imagine things you might do in the future. Consider emailing or texting some of your thoughts to him to get a sexy conversation started.
Be conscious of bringing your mind back regularly to the thought that you are a sensual woman and a lover.
3. Take an active role in your sex life.
As wives, we tend to sit back and let our husbands do most of the work when it comes to sex. The problem with that approach is that it makes us passive, rather than active, participants in our own sex lives. And lovers aren’t passive.
So, try switching things up once in a while. Initiate sex sometimes — it helps you develop a sense of control of your own sexuality. Regardless of who initiates, get involved — kiss him passionately, touch him, respond when he touches you, let him know what you want. Do something you did when sex was steamiest between the two of you.
Any time you find yourself drifting into passivity, do something to get your mind and body interested and engaged.
4. Try something new.
One of the reasons sex thrills us in the beginning is that everything is new and exciting. But as we spend more time together, we fall into a routine and know exactly what to expect, which registers in our brains as “Oh, here comes the same old thing.”
So, create excitement again by introducing something new every now and then — a new location, a new position, a different time of day, a change in tempo, a toy — anything that’s a bit different for the two of you.
And once in a while, try something that’s new and slightly outside your comfort zone. Because lovers are a little bit adventurous! So, try something you’ve thought you might enjoy or something you know he’d enjoy.
Often, doing something unexpected for your husband ends up being exciting for you, too.
Just take a step outside your comfort zone and be a little bit more daring. Like a lover.