by Amita Patel
Let me start by saying I absolutely love being single. It’s been an amazing opportunity to explore who I am and what I want, resulting in a few piercings, exploring my talents as a musician and an overall better sense of self.
But I wasn’t always like that. There was a time when I was obsessed with being in a relationship. I prioritized men over my hobbies, my life and myself.
And while I’d love to blame my failed relationships on them, the problem was me. FYI: If you’re wondering why you’re still single, here’s a newsflash:
The problem is you, too.
Don’t be offended, it’s the truth. When things don’t work out, there’s more to it than “he’s not emotionally available,” or “she’s a b***h.” It’s about our perception of what love should look like. And, like most things, that’s shaped by our upbringing. Every family and culture has its own norms around love and marriage. These beliefs were designed ages ago, passed down through generations and reinforced in you to become your reality. Then, you simply attracted and picked up people and situations that mirrored that reality back to you.
Let me give you an example: I come from a culture where a woman’s life purpose is to get married. Her hobbies, school and career are chosen to attract a mate. It reinforces the idea that a partner is what gives her life meaning.
Clearly, that’s screwed up!
And, despite the fact that I recognize that, it’s tainted the way I viewed love and the men I’ve chosen to date. But awareness is the first step. In order to understand your hidden beliefs around love, you must become conscious of what limiting beliefs you’ve inherited from them.
After all, you can only change your reality when you accept that it’s not based in reality.
So how do you flip the switch and begin to rewire decades of learned beliefs and behaviors?
Answer the following:
- What was your family’s belief around love and marriage?
- How was your parents’ marriage? Were they divorced?
- How did your parents interact and communicate with each other?
- Were you given the ability to express yourself at home?
- How was love expressed in your family? What did verbal and physical affection look like in your family?
- How do you express love?
- What are the similarities and differences between you and your parents?
Now I know you just scanned those, but if you really want to be your best self in a healthy relationship, you need to dig deeper. Go back in time and feel it. Hit your journal think about what a healthy relationship means to you. That does not mean you list all the ways your partner should change. This is about you!
It all comes down to deciding what you want to create in life and making decisions with that goal in mind. While we love to avoid taking personal responsibility in relationships, this comes down to you. It’s on you to clear out your old beliefs and patterns in order to get the love you truly want.
You are worth it. You deserve it. It’s your job to create it.