Early on in my relationship with Ryan*, we ran into a friend of his, a blonde DJ, as we were leaving a bar. She blocked the hallway, looked at him, looked at me, looked at him, and blurted out in her lush Brazilian accent, “Are you two FUCKING?” We laughed in confirmation.
She turned to me. “Oh, good for you honey, because when I look at him, I think, he must have a huge dick!” We both cringed. Then, she asked us if we had any coke, before letting us flee in embarrassment. Now we knew why she had been all over him at a music festival the week before.
At 5.5 inches long, Ryan’s penis is a little larger than average — the average penis size is 5.17 inches. Next to his height of 6’5”, it looks smaller than it is. (The scientific literature on this is not definitive, but a couple of studies have found a correlation between height and penis length.) Since his penis doesn’t look perfectly proportional to his height, he has suffered for it. And so have I, actually. But not in the way you would think.
I hate big penises. I want nothing to do with them.
Anyone who has met me could guess my preference for normal-sized penises. I’m 5’2”. My vagina can only extend so far back before it would have to start stealing space from other parts of my body. In fact, it’s tried before in desperation, like, “Help me, Uterus! I can’t deal with this dick!” And Uterus is like, “Sorry, Cervix only opens for one thing, and that man’s shaft is not it. You should have thought of that before.” I’m just not into getting my cervix pounded with a hard object like it’s an avocado in a molcajete. But judging by pop culture, that makes me weird?
I enjoy sex with Ryan because he’s attentive, respectful, creative about positions, passionate (his orgasms are spectacular), and has sinewy arm and chest muscles that are lovely to gaze at when he’s on top of me. His penis size wasn’t even something I noticed at first. But I quickly realized just how perfect it was for me. I can tell when he’s particularly turned on, because it starts to gently bump into the back. About one out of every 15 times we have sex, I have to tell him to slow it down. If he were a quarter-inch longer, sex would be an ordeal. But now, it’s just the right amount of yummy pain that I can handle.
Unfortunately, Ryan did not believe me at first when I told him his penis was perfect. He had been repeatedly scarred by women who love big dicks singling him out at the bar, going home with him, and then visibly deflating when he brought out his average-sized penis. He believed in his heart of hearts that his penis was a disappointment to womankind. Plus, the only penises he had to compare himself to were the ones he saw in porn, which are comically large. (Shudder.)
Maybe you don’t feel pity for a dude with an average-sized penis — women deal with plenty of body shaming themselves, so why can’t men take a little bit? But spare a thought for me, the girlfriend who has spent two years dealing with the repercussions of this apocryphal “common knowledge” that women loved big dicks.
Which brings me to this: The Big Penis mythos is damaging to men with big penises as well — and the women who sleep with them. [Ed. note: Other than Joe Manganiello’s lonely, well-endowed character in Magic Mike XXL, of course.] Many men with big dicks have been so thoroughly convinced that they were born with everything they need to make a woman scream with pleasure, that they often give themselves a “Good Sex” certificate, without ever taking any courses in the art of pleasure.
I wish all women like me had the self-knowledge and courage to know what kind of penis size is right for them, and not put up with pounding from men convinced of their dick’s superiority. If you love average or small penises, show them love! Tell their owners that their dick is just perfect for you. Stand up for them at parties when that girl is going on and on about how she just needs big dick to survive. Slow clap, honey, slow clap.
I wish even more fervently that those women who love big dicks as much as they love telling the world about it would just lay off for a little bit. It’s not the only way to be. Loving large cocks is merely the result of the size of your vagina, combined with your pain tolerance. It doesn’t mean you’re better at sex, or more desirable. And it doesn’t merit ruining sex for the rest of us.
And I wish dating apps would let you filter for size, so we could all be saved from that awkward moment of realizing that our genital sizes aren’t compatible. Not better or worse, just not physically compatible.
Eventually, with a lot of patience and love from me, Ryan got over his insecurities, his penis started doing his bidding, and our sex life reached peak pleasure. It helped him to go to a nudist beach, where men in their 50s lumber proudly around with penises so small that they barely poke out from under their beer bellies. (Not a pretty sight for me, but totally worth the body image boost to my sexy man.) And that time we went to the group shower tent at Burning Man and he saw 40 naked men with flaccid penises that all looked, well, normal? That was the final affirmation that not all men have seven-inch penises. Now Ryan has the confidence he needs to be the perfect lover for me.
He is also gaining confidence to deal with asinine comments. Two weekends ago, a dude we barely knew paid my boyfriend a compliment on his music by looking at me and saying, “I guess she loves you for more than your big dick!”
“Excuse me?” Ryan said, raising his eyebrow, while I crossed my arms. Sensing he had said something wrong, the acquaintance stuttered and withdrew. Score for the average penis size crew, and the women who love them.
*Name changed to protect his pride. He’s making progress, but he’s not ready for this to be on the internet.