1. “Have you tried online dating?”
Is that a thing? I’ve never heard of it.
2. “What about that guy you dated—what was his name? He had all those Stars Wars figurines you weren’t allowed to touch.”
I believe you’ve answered your own question.
3. “You could get a boyfriend tomorrow if you really wanted to!”
Oh, OK. I’ll add it to the grocery list: Greek yogurt, wine, cheese, boyfriend.
4. “It will happen when you least expect it.”
OMG! That’s exactly how my last breakup happened.
5. “Are you seeing anyone?”
Do you see anyone with me?
6. There are plenty of fish in the sea!”
Yes. Fish who try to sleep with you on the first date.
7. “Remember that episode of SATC where Carrie Bradshaw says—”
No one cares.
8. “I’m ENGAGED!”
9. “At least you have a great job!”
Perhaps, but I can’t sleep with my job, now, can I?
10. “I know the perfect person for you!”
Yeah, but that’s what you said about the last two guys…
11. “You need to put yourself out there more!”
I’M OUT THERE.
12. “He probably just lost your number.”
And my Facebook and email and home address?
13. “Have you tried speed dating?”
Yeah, but all it got me was drunk. I went on 47 dates in one hour, what do you want from me?
14. “You’re such a catch.”
15. “Don’t you want to have kids?”
What? I couldn’t hear you over the blaring tick of my biological clock.