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Monday, July 22, 2024

19 Ridiculous Things You Do Before You Have A Baby

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WHEN you are expecting your first child you become obsessed with getting everything ‘ready for the baby’.

You are determined to be prepared for everything from childbirth to bringing home your precious new born. Then you have the baby and realise that most of the preparations were of no use whatsoever.

Here are few things from my Pre-Childbirth To Do List:

1. Pack hospital bag with snacks, make up, music, books and laptop as I will probably be in labour for days (like on One Born Every Minute).

2. Try to empty my bowels twice a day so I don’t poo myself while in labour (like woman on One Born Every Minute).

3. Get new bikini and make music playlist to ensure beautiful relaxing water birth (like the pretty woman on One Born Every Minute).

4. Watch entire series of One Born Every Minute again.

5. Wash all brand new baby clothes in Fairy.

6. Wash all our own clothes in Fairy.

7. Wash all cot bedding in Fairy.

8. Call midwife and ask if I need to wash settee covers and muslins in Fairy.

9. Disinfect the entire house and everything in it with anti-bacterial wipes every day until baby is born.

10. Do pelvic floor exercises all day, every day.

11. Trim my overgrown pubic hair so it doesn’t poke the baby in the eye on her way out.

12. Buy books and DVDs to keep me occupied on maternity leave.

13. Make my husband promise not to look at the ‘bottom end’ when I am giving birth.

14. Learn to bake a cake (you are a mum now, this is what they do).

15. Buy cake recipe book.

16. Buy cake tin.

17. Read What To Expect When You Are Expecting (again).

18. Try harder to get the hang of perineum massage – maybe find film on YouTube?

19. Google ‘how to deliver a baby’ and send link to husband, neighbour, mum and sister just in case we don’t make it to the hospital.

All of the above turned out to be totally useless. Not only did my daughter arrive two weeks early so I hadn’t even got around to completing the list – she was born so quickly there had been no time for snacks, magazines or iPod playlists on the labour ward. There was no chance for the amusing banter with midwives I had seen on One Born Every Minute.

I didn’t even bother writing a list the second time around. Nor did I watch any One Born Every Minute – and funnily enough my youngest baby turned out just fine!

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