First, contrary to what most people think, men can be as much of nags as women. Oh yes, African men too! The truth is for every woman who nags using her words, there’s a man who nags using his actions.
Controlling the urge to control everyone and everything around you is difficult or you wouldn’t be reading this.
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When my boyfriend and I moved in together I didn’t realize I was driving him nuts with how I insisted on positioning the toothpaste on the sink and where the towels needed to face in order to look great (per me) and all of those tinee tiny behaviors I’d adapted after living by myself for months. I was a maniac! until he delicately pointed it out and because I knew I’d hate it if anyone nagged at me; constantly correcting my most mundane choices, expecting me to change behaviors that I didn’t even realize I had. I decided to change!
Ignore the silly columns telling tales of how to litter your home with little reminder notes. Here is a list of what works – and its not pretty.
1. Get into your thick skull that your partner is neither your younger sibling nor your child.
This is going to take some personal convincing therefore you’ve gotta look into the mirror and repeat it out loud to yourself several times a day when you feel the anger bubbling within you after seeing a chore your partner should have completed – but hasn’t! Do this: Take a deep breath and repeat out loud while making eye contact with your own reflection.
“__________is NOT my younger sister/brother, _____________is NOT my child. Because I am disgusted at the idea of being his/her mommy or daddy. It is NOT my place to insist on my partner doing _______.”
This exercise is similar to working a muscle at the gym to achieve a tighter butt in an exercise session so it will take several sessions to get it right.
The Result: You begin to modify your default reaction to just FIGHT and learn to control yourself. Change begins from within, never from without!
2. Come clean & ask for help.
Any behavior that is learned can be changed. You need to bring your partner on board to understand that you realize you can be controlling and want things executed in specific ways due to habit or how you were raised. Be forthright and express your desire to reign-in the hurtful behaviors and explain why so that your partner is convinced of your commitment to work toward a better relationship.
The Result: Your vulnerability is why your partner fell in love with you in the first place. Your admission of weakness emboldens him/her to take charge and take care of you and to strengthen the trust between both of you.
3. Nagging only trains your partner to become defensive; Not effective!
Your partner may learn new ways to tune-you-out when you nag but rest assured, they won’t learn how to be considerate and commit to taking care of the family whether through assisting with chores or taking other responsibility that would make life bearable for everyone. You may think your insistence is designed to have that effect but the opposite ends up happening because you were busy teaching your partner how to evade your insults instead.
The Result: Your partner will only respond when you nag and your interaction becomes a cat-and-mouse game which you end up losing on days when you are simply unable to yell at the top of your voice and have to give in.
4. Remember your partner is an adult. If they don’t feel like doing a chore, they shouldn’t have to!
There are some perks to being a grown-up! After spending your childhood doing as you’re told, when you’re told, how you are told, as an adult you get to make your own choices and do plenty on your own terms.
When you don’t want to clean, DON’T! Just like you, your partner wants to live in comfort and when you stop micromanaging everything, you will be surprised at your partner’s capabilities and willingness to step in without you ordering them to do so.
How do I do this? Focus on what you’re feeling and communicate to your partner, “Baby, I just don’t feel like doing laundry.” or “Eek, I’m off to bed.” DO NOT SAY, “Can you just just do the laundry this one time?” or “I’m tired and those plates are still there.” – Do NOT play games, do not attempt to manipulate. Just tell the truth of what you’re feeling and leave it at that.
The Result: Your partner begins to feels obligated to take charge! If your partner does NOT take charge, have a conversation about your expectations and allow things to change gradually. Remember to follow-through; when you say you’re tired, leave everything and go get your rest. Do NOT let his mood or reaction dictate your choice. He’s an adult – and so are you.
Majority of adults take responsibility for their surroundings and care about giving their partner comfort. As long as your relationship is based on a solid foundation of give and take and participatory commitment, you should do all right.
(via Spice Baby)
