by Bob Alaburda | Your Tango
It probably leaves a better taste in your mouth than his music.
Justin Bieber broke the internet this week by revealing his manhood to the world, while burning the term “penis leak” into my Google search history forever.
Despite being second only to Nickelback on the list of things Canada should apologize for, Justin Bieber and his penis are poised to cause more flooding than in Columbia, SC, localized entirely to the inboxes of women everywhere.
And if anyone was still naïve enough to believe the lie that size doesn’t matter, reflect on this moment and the mass hysteria that one big dick can cause — and let Justin make a Belieber out of you.
1. It’s more than a mouthful.
Let’s not beat around the bush — he’s equipped like a Spartan (VERY NSFW). Let’s just say you might need to clear out some hard drive space to accommodate the … uh … large file size of these photos.
Any spiteful non-fans assuming he was overcompensating are going to have to simply hate him for his villainous crimes against music (challenge accepted).
2. It makes his father creepily proud.
Nothing says functional family like your dad complimenting your dick on Twitter.
On the plus side, this could be the perfect advertising opportunity for Google+. “Google+ — where no one will ever see your inexplicable incestual musings.”
3. Its owner doesn’t care that it’s all over the internet.
Yeah, there’s a weird double-standard when it comes to nudes that make it okay to talk about the penises and not vaginas.
But in this case, Justin Beiber doesn’t mind being exposed to the masses (according to TMZ). So let’s save the self-righteous, morally superior soapboxes for another time. Let’s just be outraged that enough people care about him that I have to write this article in the first place.
Still, I await the day that, as a society, we’re just as comfortable talking about the tightness of Selena Gomez’s butthole as we are Bieber’s girth. When that moment comes, I’ll be leading the charge.
4. It’s (mostly?) hairless.
Dude is shaved like an Olympic swimmer going through chemo, in case you were wondering about the manscaping situation.
Although, it’s hard to tell if he’s gone fully hairless because of the blurriness of the photos. Why are we not funding a CSI team to enhance these pictures?
At least that way I won’t have to explain to my girlfriend why my face is two inches away from my monitor with Bieber’s junk practically resting on my nose while I try to decipher the pixels.
5. It reveals who the creeps are on your Facebook feed.
It’s one thing to ogle nudes and fantasize about celebrities. Guilty as charged.
But it gets kinda creepy when people are so comfortable talking specifics on social media. Proclaiming your excitement over nudes is basically saying to your friends and family, “Hey, I plan to masturbate to this today.”
6. It showed up just in time to create buzz for his upcoming album.
Sex has been selling terrible music for a long time now. There’s no hard evidence to backup the idea that this may be a publicity stunt, but it’s definitely one way to get your name in the zeitgeist.
This post appeared orignally on Your Tango: 6 Big (HUGE) Things We’ve Learned About Justin Bieber’s Penis