by Marianne Wait
Men: A change in thinking may improve your sex life. Get the details on seven common mistakes guys make with women, and learn how to avoid them.
Mistake 1: Sex Starts in the Bedroom
Men may turn on like a light, but for women, arousal doesn’t happen so fast, says sex therapist Ian Kerner, PhD.
Pave the way during the day by hugging, kissing, and holding hands. Have some fun together, and show you appreciate her.
Feeling safe and secure in the relationship is key for a woman to really let loose during sex, Kerner says. A long hug can go further than you’d think. “Hugging for 30 seconds stimulates oxytocin, the hormone in women that creates [a] sense of connection and trust.”
Mistake 2: Assume You Know What She Wants
“Just as many women are faking orgasm today as 20 or 30 years ago,” Kerner says. So, if she’s not enjoying herself, you might not know it.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions like “How does this feel?” or “Do you want something different?”
In other words, ask for directions.
Mistake 3: Stick to Your Plan
Don’t think that “if it worked the first three times, it will work the next three times,” says sex therapist Sari Cooper, LCSW.
What turns her on may depend on her mood, and where she is in her monthly cycle. “Perhaps her nipples are more sensitive or her genitals are less tingly,” Cooper adds.
Pay attention to your partner, says psychologist Lonnie Barbach, PhD. “Try different things and she how she responds.”
When you find something that works, linger on it. Women often complain that men move on to the next thing just as they really start to enjoy an activity.
Mistake 4: Keep It Strictly Physical
Expand your idea of foreplay. Some men “focus on physical stimulation and often ignore mental stimulation,” Kerner says.
While men get stirred up by what they see, “women fantasize a lot during sex as part of [the] process of arousal.” Join in — share a fantasy or a sexy memory.
Mistake 5: Expect Intercourse to Give Her an Orgasm
For 80% of women, intercourse alone won’t do the trick. Why not? Most sex positions don’t directly stimulate the clitoris.
There are other ways to pleasure her. “Women orgasm much more consistently from oral sex than from intercourse,” Kerner says. Also, try sex with the woman on top, or a vibrator made for couples to use during sex. “Men should feel comfortable, not threatened, with sex toys,” he says.
To help her hit the high note when you do have sex, take time to get her going before you make your entrance. “The closer women are when they start intercourse, the more likely they are to have an orgasm,” Barbach says.