1. Hollister Hot. This guy could have been an extra on The O.C.back in the day. He talks about the difference between boogieboarding, wake-boarding and surfboarding (not surfborting), and it’s mind-numbingly boring, but he’s hot enough that you just nod like you’re listening and wait it out. His hair is the kind of blond that turns brunette at the age of ten on most people who don’t keep it blonde (naturally or unnaturally). He looks more like Blake Lively than you do.
(To be fair, it is so dark in Hollister that most people look hot.)
2. Somewhere On The Justin-Timberlake-To-Gay Spectrum Hot. He knows he’s hot and thinks that items like vests and fedoras complement and accentuate said hotness. He may or may not use too much product in his hair, and probably has amazing bone structure. One gets the feeling that he has unabashedly worn guyliner at costume parties. Moms adore him. He does great at parties. Better than he does when he’s alone with you, actually, because the one man show can be a little much.
3. Rustic Hot. He is tall, strapping, wears a lot of performance fleece and really likes camping. He tells you that being without WiFi is the only time he has truly felt at peace, or how you can only achieve true stillness of the mind under a full sky of stars, and other shit like that. He doesn’t shower as much as he should, but it works for him. He doesn’t realize he’s handsome, or at least does a good job pretending he doesn’t. He looks down on you for watching reality shows.
4. Sixth Member Of The Strokes Hot. He looks better in leather clothing than most people and has hair like Patti Smith. He radiates self-importance and for awhile it actually seems founded — until you see his band, which is inevitably awful and playing in some dank basement that smells like smoke and useless BFAs. He is a pretty good guitar player, though.
5. Literary Hot. He’s always in the middle of — or meaning to get to — the latest Great American Novel right after he finishes the one he’s reading. He wears gingham shirts and glasses, and has a subtly athletic swimmers’ body but doesn’t seem to notice or care about it. He hates irony and is earnest about everything. You want to have sex a lot more than he does.
6. Med Student Hot. He’s a med student.
7. Not That Physically Hot But So Talented That He’s Super-Hot Hot. You barely notice him until he reveals that he’s a former semi-finalist Olympic runner. Or he’s a Rain Man-esque numbers genius. Or he gets up to sing “Psycho Killer” by the Talking Heads at karaoke and you’re like HOLY CRAP, my panties are on the floor.