by Thee Urban Sophisticate
Thanks to social media, there’s never a dull moment on the web, and today was no exception. Much has been said about Mary J. Blige’s admission that she nor her husband are allowed to have friends of the opposite sex. That’s preposterous! Be it so, you’ll find many who agree and of course those who don’t, but I think it’s a dangerous dynamic to create in your relationship.
Not only do I find it extremely petty and childish to insist that your partner cuts off all ties with friends of the opposite seχ, I think it speaks to an even bigger issue that couples often face — deflection & control. Why must we try to control our significant others? Why can’t we love them without employing all these rules and regulations? Is it our insecurities that cause us to want to clamp down on them? Are we afraid that if we let them run wild in the freedom and enjoyment of others that they’ll never come back to us? Are you deflecting from the deep issues of insecurity you face within yourself? Do you not want your woman to hang out with that brother because she may see something in him that she wishes she saw in you? Ladies, are you scared of your partner being friends with that sistah because she may communicate with him better than you do?
What are you so afraid of?
“If you love a flower, don’t pick it up.
Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love.
So if you love a flower, let it be.
Love is not about possession.
Love is about appreciation.” – Osho
One of the most significant emotions we carry as humans is desire. We have to respect one another’s desires, and even more importantly, we can’t disregard our own. I think that’s one of the biggest killers of relationships. We naturally don’t want to sacrifice, but yet we over capitulate in our relationships causing them to spoil rotten. Maybe that’s why so many marriages end in divorce. Maybe that’s why so many people cheat. Can you blame them? They just want to fulfill their desires, and they’re in relationships with individuals who try to make that impossible.
You see the internal conflict? That’s why it’s important not to deflect our own insecurities but to deal with them so that we don’t seek to control our partners as a coverup for our own deflections.
Whether it’s taking a vacation with the girls, or spending time playing golf with the fellas, we all need that space, that time, and most importantly, that freedom to go after what we desire. To know that our partners are understanding of us having that freedom makes it even better. Having a life outside of the relationship leaves room for both partners to breathe a little and have the freedom to explore and not feel suffocated physically or mentally by their partner’s rulebook.
Ultimately when it comes to Mary J and her husband, and for every couple, I believe that you should do whatever works best for your particular relationship. But be real with yourself and your partner with what you truly want. Be honest about your desires, be honest about your insecurities and how they affect your interactions with your partner. Failure to do so will only cause resentment and unhappiness. You’ll be looking back years later wondering why you sacrificed your sense of self and your source of happiness, all because of issues your partner had that they never addressed, or issues that you failed to even acknowledge with yourself.
Appreciate that uncontrollable love, it can become tainted if you try to tame it.
Click here to download a free copy of Thee Urban Sophisticate’s e-book titled “21 Date Ideas For Couples Tired of Dinner & a Movie” Thee Urban Sophisticate is the connoisseur of chivalry. He’s on a mission to build a nation of gentlemen. Fellas, are you with him? Read more from Thee Urban Sophisticate on Facebook by clicking here. Have dating and relationship questions? Email him: [email protected]
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