by Eketi Ette
You’re overworked… woman, our mothers did it, while raising nine children. You can too.
You’re exhausted… You’re just lazy; put your back into it.
You get help… WHAT??? Do you want that firm-breasted maid to snatch your husband?
You get help… Ah, but you’re a virtuous woman, patterned after Model Proverbs 31, circa BC 400. How can you have a maid? Send her away!
He beats you… pray.
He beats you… pray harder.
He beats you… check the way you talk to him; perhaps your words make you beatable material.
He beats you… you’re still talking? Woman, become mute! Or don’t you know a talking drum just gets hit harder and harder?
He cheats… pray.
He cheats… all men are like that, my friend. Just endure and pray.
He cheats… what did you do to make him cheat?
He cheats… pray some more, bath in Chanel No.5 and Elizabeth Arden perfumes, put on new clothes.
He cheats… increase the sex. Make sure you give him a sex overdose. Saturate the randy fellow with it! Who cares if you’re hurt and unhappy, not in the mood, or sore? Woman, are your feelings more important than your marriage?
You cry… sorry, woman.
You weep… sorry, really sorry.
You wail … Sorry woman… I’m bored, quit crying already.
You complain… Woman, you made your bed, lie on it.
You leave… Woman, God hates divorce! Or did you not know that?
You leave… why would you leave your home for another woman?
You leave… You have no faith in our God of impossibilities.
You die… may her soul rest I’m peace.
You die… why didn’t she leave when she had the chance?
You die… Did you know that woman’s husband has remarried?
You die… Mum, where are you? This new auntie treats us nothing like the way you did.
I’m just a woman.
Or am I?
Eketi Ette is a barrister. She writes from Abuja. Connect with her on Facebook HERE