By Graham White
Sharing one’s body is among the most initmate things we can do, so how can you establish the level of openness and trust necessary to feel comfortable? Read on to see the different ways you can indentify a truthworthy lover and how to value yourself and body.
1. Sex Is A Choice, Not A Gift
Sex isn’t something you give away to someone else, it’s a decision you make for yourself. It’s not something you provide in exchange for gifts, guarantees or security. Making choices about sex begins with you, not them.
2. Trust Is Based On Evidence
Naïveté & gullibility are results of inexperience or ignoring intuition and result in extending trust where evidence is lacking or questions remain. What someone says, even how they make you feel aren’t what trust is built on. It’s the degree to which you know them and how consistently their actions match their words. Explanations and excuses in any part of life are a sign of incongruence in all parts of life.
3. ‘Exclusivity’ is a Decision Not A Right
Exclusivity is a decision made for one’s self, not a conditional demand that can be placed on another. Both individuals must make this decision of their own free will, not pressured by the other to come to the same terms at the same time.
Any decision made under durress is worth little and therefor the reality is that this is the most challenging of all relationship decisions as there is no guarantee that exclusivity will be offered in return or way to control whether they are being truthful.
4. How Long You Wait Is A Personal Choice
It’s a myth that men are more interested in sex and women in relationships, and that therefore women hold the ‘sexual’ currency and men hold the ‘relational’ currency. Waitng to have sex or abstinance is not a tool to control the behavior or choices of another and no one has the right to demand abstinence or exclusivity of another.
Intimacy is a gift that can only be given, not a commodity offered on specific conditions. This is true regardless of the nature or length of the relationship. The idea that someone owes us sexual availability, exclusivity or mutual abstinence is about control and an inability to manage the risks of intimacy.
5. Someone’s Worth Is Not Determined By How Long They Wait For Sex
The value of an individual is determined by the consistency of their behavior when observed under stress particularly when demonstrates towards those who can do nothing for them.
6. Exclusivity Is A Choice Based On The Value Of The Partnership
For our grandparents generation this was linked to mutually beneficial survival and child rearing, today the standard is much higher as both of these are fairly achievable single. Partnership and exclusivity today are based on the ability of two people to connect on many more levels and a much greater depth than ever before.
Those who partner out of need for support or who require completion do so on a faulty foundation when one or the other matures and requires the same new level of depth to feel a connection. High value individuals have multiple options. It would be naive to assume that because you choose not to be intimate with them at any point or for any reason that they don’t have other options.
7. Commitment Is Only Possible With Personal Maturity
Maturity only occurs from having done the work to overcome the challenges in life. The evidence is in being successfully independent with abundance in each area of life. Codependency is a delusion of commit that arises between two individuals who seek support or completion in another rather than completing their personal work before seeking another.
8. Intimate Relationships Demand The Ability To Accept Risk.
Anyone looking for security, demanding guarantees or who requires control will contribute to the failure of any relationship which can only be built on trust. There is no higher risk activity than sexual intimacy — pregnancy, STD, and broken hearts. Control is only possible through abstinence from intimate relationships, not abstinence from sex.
9. Men And Women Fundamentally Want The Same Thing
There are some ‘people’ more interested in sex and some ‘people’ interested in relationships. Both choices are valid. What frustrates some ‘people’ is the inability to determine with certainty if the intentions of others are primarily sexual or relational.
For these people, solutions of ’10 dates,’ ’30-90 days,’ or ‘Wait until marriage‘ are strategies that attempt to create an inescapable test of intentions. The gaping hole in this approach is it doesn’t control whether the other individual exercises options with someone else.
10. We Only Control Our Own Choices
We can’t control the choices of any other human being — not even those of an intimate partner. Be a trustworthy partner and watch for all signs of congruence in a person’s life. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.
One thing is certain, the point of an intimate partner is intimacy — it’s what sets it apart from being ‘just friends. Sooner or later it’s going to happen, and WHEN we we choose have sex is a much less significant question than WHY we’re choosing to.