The vertically challenged have it harder than people think.
It’s not just that we can’t reach stuff from the top of the cupboard, we have a whole heap of other crap to deal with because we’re short.
And for the record, only we can refer to ourselves as short, if you do it it’s offensive and we might kick you.
Here are other short problems that plague our existence.
1. Being able to pull tights up right over your boobs.
Yeah, really.
2. Being told by men that being short is good because it makes you more fun to have sex with.
Punch in the face.
3. Having people say ‘Wow you’re actually really small’.
Yeah, well I can see up your nose and you’ve got a bat in the cave.
4. Not being able to reach the bar on the Tube to stop yourself from faceplanting into someone’s chest.
Or faceplating into a child’s face.
5. Being the perfect height to be face-to-armpit with someone who is tall enough to reach it.
You can only hope you get someone that smells nice. It’s still not ideal but it softens the blow.
6. Struggling to get involved in upstanding conversations at busy social gatherings.
You look like you’re watching a tennis match going on 5ft above you. Sometimes someone’s talk spit lands in your eye.
7. Getting everyone’s nose breath in your face when you’re in a lift.
Which is particularly upsetting.
8. Finding trousers to fit you lengthways and around the waist is too much to ask.
We should really only have to pay for the material we need.
9. Not being able to pull off high-waisted trousers as well as everyone else because it makes you look even shorter.
I don’t think they’re supposed to come right up to your bra.
10. Not being able to safely operate an umbrella.
You keep getting it caught on people’s clothes as you walk past them.
11. Getting called cute.
Puppies are cute. Babies are cute. WE are adults. Adults are not cute.
12. Getting asked for ID when you’re 25.
And almost shoving your driving licence down the cashier’s throat.
13. Looking like a Year 7 student when you try to pull off a trouser suit.
And crying because you just want to look smart for once.
14. Having to hope and pray that nobody sits in front of you at concerts, theatres or cinema screens.
And when they do you have to lean to one side for the entire duration and watch everything through the gap.
15. Having to do a push up when you’re trying to order a drink in a crowded pub.
Because the barman can’t hear you from way down there.
16. Doing laundry and tripping over the bed linen, towels and any other large item.
So you have to lift it right up in front of your face and hope you don’t tumble over.
17. Having your scarf dangle around your knees.
And if you sit down you almost strangle yourself when you try to get back up.
18. Hearing short jokes every time you go to an amusement park or funfair about being too small to go on the rides.
You’ve mastered your unimpressed face.
19. Not being able to get on a bike unless you’re super flexible.
And having to take a deep breath before you try and get your leg up.
20. Being told by tall women that they wished they were short, and you secretly hate on all their inches because you know they’re super happy with their lovely long legs and general lengthiness.
Eugh.
