Yes, it’s time to talk blow jobs.
You’d think, as they reputedly like them so much, men would do everything within their power to make blow jobs as enjoyable as possible for women.
And yet still they do dumb ass things during oral sex, thereby decreasing their chances of repeat action.
So men – here’s what not to do during a blow job.
1. Not making the most of the power play
Forget knock-off Fifty Shades toys, what you’re doing is (usually) dominating.
If she’s into it, ramp things up a notch by telling her exactly what to do.
2. Pushing her head down there when she’s tired and has cramps
On the other hand, if you’re not playing, you need to lead up to these things.
Yeah, we know you’re probably angling for a blow job when you give us a cuddle, but it’s a start.
3. Not washing
Really? REALLY?!
4. Putting your finger in her mouth
Only do this if she’s told you she finds this hot.
Otherwise we’re left wondering a) when you last scrubbed your fingernails and b) how anyone could be this cheesy.
5. Not trimming your pubes
No one’s saying you should wax it all off like a Ken doll. But keeping things neat and clean is a must.
6. Not looking after your sexual health
Do you think women are going to risk their own health by going near something dodgy-looking?
Exactly. Wear a condom.
7. Asking her to bite it
Or something equally niche. Save this stuff for further down the line. It freaks us right out.
8. Making loads of noise
I’m flattered and all but it’s making me suspicious, frankly.
As in, is this so bad you’re overcompensating? Have you never had one? Have you watched so much porn you think this is the norm?
9. Making no noise
Hooray! I’m sucking off a corpse.
10. Forcing it down her throat
Now look. It’s probably hard not to get carried away. We understand.
But it would be lovely if we didn’t choke to death, ta.
Try stroking (not patting) her hair and, if she’s into it, calling her a good girl instead.
11. Forcing her head to stay where it is
Again, if this is a power play thing you’ve both agreed on beforehand that’s a whole different thing.
If not, RUDE.
12. Not thinking about her knees
Wonder why she wants to move / do something else / give up?
Maybe you shouldn’t have got into this in a room with a hardwood floor, genius.
13. Staring at her like a serial killer
Ok, bit harsh. I mean, a certain amount of intense staring is hot. But don’t just do that. We can feel your eyes boring into our skull.
14. Suggesting you 69
Seems like a good idea on paper.
In reality, instead of twice the fun you both end up with sub-standard oral. Let’s just go one at a time.
15. Taking ages to orgasm
Maybe we’re crap or maybe you’re stopping yourself.
If it’s the former then just tell us what you want. If it’s the latter stop being selfish, our jaw’s really aching.
16. Not staying hydrated
If you’re dehydrated your jizz is thicker. There, I said it. Now go drink your eight glasses of water a day.
17. Assuming we’re going to swallow
Look, we know how much you want us to.
But you also want us to dress up as an air stewardess and that’s not going to happen every time either.
The more you ‘force the issue’ the more likely you’ll end up with a hand job finish.
18. Rushing on to other things after
Due to the wonders of biology, some kind of clean up op is in order. At least give us a chance to get a glass of water.
19. Falling asleep instantly
We get it, we’re amazing and we’ve tired you out. But unless this is just a hook up (in which case why are you falling asleep in our bed?), hug it out a bit.
20. Not giving useful feedback
Telling a woman ‘it was all good’ when she asks what you like is no use to anyone.
If you find it hard to talk about, write it down. Or, better yet, discuss what you both like beforehand, to get things going in the first place.
