I’ve never been afraid to ask for what I want in bed. I guess because during my teenage years I figured out I was/am a perv and I just owned it. But in my decade-plus of hooking up with dudes, I’ve come to see being clear about what I want is a bit rare: Guys have told me other women become self-conscious when asking for something risqué or kinky.
So, I’m going to help you out, boys. Here are some things your lady might want, but she’s too self-conscious to ask for. Don’t pressure anything, of course — but if you offer, you may be pleasantly surprised at how enthusiastically she accepts …
1. She wants you to eat her out more: Our culture has a weird relationship with vag, if you haven’t noticed. Your lady has likely been exposed to a lot of lame-o messages telling her that her vag is “too hairy,” “too smelly,” “tastes gross,” “ugly,” etc. She might really love getting oral sex, but she’s afraid to ask you to do it because she’s afraid you’ve internalized the same messages that she has.
How to ask: It’s time to start sincerely praising her lady parts big time: “Your p**sy is so pretty!” “I love the way your vagina looks.” “I love the way your p**sy tastes.” “I love hearing you moan while I eat you out!” And so on. (If she is offended by the word “p**sy,” obviously you should say something different.) If she is still skittish about being eaten out, don’t push it. Offer to give a massage all over her inner thighs and on the outer folds of her labia; keep offering to do this, and keep praising her vag, until she mellows out. And if she never does, hey, maybe she’s just not into oral sex!
2. She wants to fool around in public: Let me be clear: Having full-on sex in public might be a little too risqué — not to mention messy — for some women, myself included. But that doesn’t mean a lady wouldn’t love a heavy-duty make-out session at that banquet in the far corner of the bar, the backseat of her car, or on her front steps!
How to ask: Download the Kelis song “In Public” — the chorus goes “Let’s get it on in public” — and when it plays, ask your girl if she thinks it’s sexy.
3. She wants to be dominated: Even big-mouthed ballsy women like me enjoy being dominated! Yet dominating a woman scares a lot of men because they are afraid — rightfully so — of being rape-y. But with tons of trust and communication, she’ll be creaming her panties in no time! You just need to take baby steps and constantly read her body language to make sure she’s comfortable, both physically and emotionally. I want to emphasize the importance of baby steps: If you’re going to play around with domination, it’s never a good idea to start off with anything that might hurt her feelings or humiliate her, i.e., barking orders at her (“Go down on me NOW!”) or name-calling (“Slut!”). Playing around with restraints — loose restraints, of course — is definitely a better way to go.
How to ask: Start simple. Really simple. “Would you like it if I blindfolded you the next time I go down on you?” If she likes that, next time ask, “Would you like it if I loosely tied your wrists to the bedposts?” If she likes that, next time ask, “Would you like it if I held down your arms while I lick your breasts?” If she likes that, the two of you can figure out what else she might like. It’s also a good idea to create a “safe word,” which is something she can say when she wants you to stop immediately. (Sometimes in the heat of the moment people say “Oh, noooo!” when they really mean “Oh, that feels good!” So it’s good if your safe word is something other than “no.”) My safe word is this sentence: “I want you to stop now.” Because it makes my intentions clear.
4. She wants you to be the submissive one: Getting dominated might not be her thing, but she might want to dominate you. Yes, even if she’s the meek and shy one! Speaking from a lady’s point of view, it can be awkward to tell a guy you want to dominate him because it’s hard to ascertain which guys will think it’s too emasculating. (I am not saying a man getting dominated has to be emasculating; some guys just perceive it that way.) But if you think your woman might get her rocks off by playing the sex goddess, you getting dominated is worth bringing up.
How to ask: Does your lady ever ride cowgirl? If that’s your favorite move — and in my experience, for a lot of guys, it is — tell her that you just LOVE her in control. Then suggest the same things that I recommended under the “She wants to be dominated” section — say you want her to give you a BJ while you’re blindfolded, then with your wrists tied to the bed post, etc. If she finds her inner domination queen, you’re a lucky guy!
5. She wants to be spanked: Lightly spanking a woman (i.e., nothing that could cause a bruise) can feel amazing for both of you: I’ve heard lots of women say that getting spanked sends lots of tingly feelings to their vaginal and anal areas and I’ve heard lots of men say spanking a woman makes them feel like they are physically demonstrating their lust. I’ve been pretty open about my own enjoyment with getting spanked and, I promise you, lots of women really like it. Unfortunately, asking to be spanked can be embarrassing for a woman because, well, it is sort of silly!
How to ask: Just like when you’re asking a woman if she wants to be dominated, the key is to take baby steps. While you’re making out, touch her ass a lot; squeeze it, rub it; show her you think her booty is a-maz-ing. Whisper in her ear, “Can I give you a little spank?” If she says yes, do it once, softly. Ask, “Do you like that?” If she says yes or even if she’s ambivalent, ask if you can do it a few more times, all the while kissing her and still squeezing and rubbing her ass. Then you should probably stop. Next time you guys are cuddling, bring up how you liked giving her little spanks and ask if she wants to try it again sometime. If she’s receptive, ask her if she wants you to do it harder or if she’d like to lie in your lap while you spank her. One more thing: my advice about dominating a woman is the same here, too. Do not call her names or humiliate her unless she tells you that’s what she wants. For all you know, she has issues left over from childhood about being physically punished and calling her a “bad girl” might be upsetting. The same goes for women who might have had abusive relationships in the past: Even if your woman really likes getting spanked, it’s important to remember that spanking is still hitting and you need to make it 100 percent absolutely clear that you’re only doing it in the context of sexual arousal. Understood? Now go get it on.
Help me, Frisky-verse: What other things do women love to try in bed that we’re sometimes too self-conscious to ask for?