by Laura Berman
Some couples believe falling in love is a passport to a relationship that will last a lifetime. Hollywood romances have made us believe that great relationships and lasting love happen effortlessly, yet the truth is that relationships actually take plenty of work.
Sometimes couples know something is off, but they put off dealing with it until the problem becomes too big to ignore. That was the case with Dash and Kelli, a couple I worked with recently. In the beginning, their relationship was full of passion and sex. Then the baby came and everything changed, including their sex life.
Kelli says she’s just less interested in sex but desires intimacy. Dash is frustrated that Kelli doesn’t seem as interested in sex. Their task now is to rebuild their sexual connection by taking little steps — touching, kissing, intimacy dates — to reignite their sex life. The recommendation for Dash and Kelli wasn’t a complicated one, but often couples fail to realize how little changes in how they interact can make big improvements in their relationships. Consider these seven tips to keep your relationship healthy:
1. Don’t delay romance.
People often postpone romantic overtures or sexy activities for special occasions such as date night or vacation. However, you shouldn’t postpone romance because you’re waiting for the “right” time. By making ‘everyday’ occasions special (such as by wearing your “special” lingerie to bed or making out with your partner before your partner leaves for work), you will discover so much more pleasure and joy in your day-to-day life.
People often take a back seat in their own relationships because they believe their partner should take the lead in fixing the relationship. They think, “Why should I do all the work?” Although it is true that relationships are a two-way street, it’s damaging to rest on your laurels simply because you want your partner to be romantic. If you want more romance, then you should be more romantic. Want more sex? Then, initiate sex more often. Your partner will see and enjoy your increased interest, and he will likely respond in turn.
3. Ask for what you want.
You also need to be more upfront when telling your partner what you want. Women in particular are guilty of not speaking up, as they assume their partner should be mind-readers or because they think they have put out enough obvious signals when they actually haven’t. Sadly, they often end up disappointed and angry as a result. The truth is that relationships require clear, honest, open communication. So the next time your partner doesn’t do what you want, don’t assume it’s because he doesn’t care about your feelings. Consider the fact that he didn’t actually know what you needed from him, and then speak up and clarify what your desires are. He will likely be over the moon to finally know what’s going on in your head!
4. Think small picture.
When people want to improve their relationships, they tend to only look at the big picture and they become overwhelmed. Instead, think small picture, such as: What can I do today to improve my relationship? What is one thing I can do today to show my partner how much I love him?
5. Share your fantasies.
If you want to spice things up in the bedroom, grab a few sheets of paper and write down some of your fantasies. For example, maybe you have a naughty nurse fantasy or maybe you want to roleplay as a sexy superhero. Jot down your sexiest fantasies, and then put then in a “fantasy box” in your bedroom. Whenever your sex life gets boring or a little too routine, just grab one of the slips of paper and then act out the fantasy.
6. Share daily appreciations.
Couples tend to more easily share negative feedback with one another, but they don’t spend as much effort sharing positive feedback. Fix this equation by giving your partner three daily appreciations. Whether you applaud his cooking skills or compliment her new hairstyle, share appreciations on a daily basis so your partner knows how much you love him or her. And, best of all, that positive energy will cycle back toward you as well.
7. Get out of your comfort zone.
Are you stuck in a rut inside (and outside) the bedroom? Get out of your rut by skipping the dinner-and-movie routine and trying something completely new on date night. Take a dance class, scale a rock wall or do something daring like bungee jumping. The adrenaline and dopamine released during heart-pounding activities mimic the butterflies you had when you first started dating, so you will both reap the benefits of new activities.
Laura Berman, PhD is a leading sex and relationship educator and therapist, popular TV and radio host, New York Times best-selling author, and assistant clinical professor of ob-gyn and psychiatry at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University in Chicago. View more episodes of “Couples in Crisis”every Thursday at 1pm EST. This article is culled from Everyday Health.
