1. Not having enough hair. Are we losing our hair? Can we grow a beard? We need to look like Robin Williams at the start of Jumanji or we are not a man.
2. Having a lame “how we met” story. You’re never going to have a meet cute like they do in the movies. Unfortunately, there’s no way to spin “we were drunk at a frat party” into something anywhere as good as Jack saving Rose’s life, let alone Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore meeting next to a dumpster in The Wedding Singer.That’s way too much pressure.
4. Aging. No guy wants to get to the point where their whole body has the same texture as their balls and their teeth start falling out. And odds are, we’re not going to wind up going out as gracefully as Clooney.
5. Grand gestures of love. We don’t have the money saved up to rent hot air balloons, to whisk you away. Hell, if I’m ever in a situation where I have to chase after the love of my life in the airport, I’m not making it past the ticket desk. I have about $8 saved up. That’s not enough to buy a ticket to anywhere.
6. Not being able to open a jar. We will try until our hands are slick with blood. This jelly is not getting the best of us. If you’ve asked us to open it for you, the stakes are even higher.
7. Gross insects/bugs/snakes. Men are expected to be able to defend the house, but sometimes that giant spider is making us want to throw up and hide under the bed and then throw up again while we’re under the bed.
8. Guys who have big muscles. “Why can’t I gain muscle?” we ask through mouthfuls of pizza. Sure, maybe muscle bound dudes aren’t so great for cuddling, but we still hate knowing they could beat us up.
9. Being bad at something. We don’t care if this is the first time we’ve ever played lawn darts. We play to win. Yeah, this might be at a child’s birthday party, but if we don’t dominate everyone here will think less of us.
10. Every celebrity’s abs. Come on, we have real jobs. We do not have the time to work out at the gym eight hours a day. We will never look like the leading men in romcoms and spoiler alert: we will probably die of heart disease.
11. Porn. Guys in porn have full heads of hair and muscles and giant penises and ARE YOU LOOKING AT THEM? WE WILL PUNCH THEM. WE WILL PUNCH THEM RIGHT THROUGH THE SCREEN.
12. Setting our friends up with your friends. In the movies, the leads friends always date each other because you need B and C romantic plotlines so everyone can have a happy ending. This inspires you to set up your best friend with our old college roommate who still wears hemp hoodies and is adamant that Karl Marx had some practical ideas. Somehow, when it ends terribly, we’re going to feel awful about it.
13. Bears. Really, anything in the animal kingdom that could kill us. We like always being at the top of the food chain, and knowing we could get eaten at any moment does not make us feel manly.