1. “It’s nice that you’re not TOO toned.” Yeah, great, thank you, I’m basically just a pile of melted rubber with eyeballs in it.
2. “Man, you look nothing like my ex.” First of all: Don’t talk about your ex right now. Second of all: Is it because she was a slinky Angelina Jolie-esque female assassin and I’m a pile of melted rubber with eyeballs in it?
3. “Your body’s almost as good as my mom’s.”
4. “I can smell your pussy.” This is one of those things that guys hear in porn and think is sexy to say to you. It’s not.
5. “Don’t be embarrassed, I love small boobs.” You shouldn’t be embarrassed either, I love penises that look like Wallace Shawn’s head.
6. “You’d be so pretty if you lost weight.” Put your pants back on, make me a quesadilla, and leave.
7. “Let’s keep the lights off, it’s hotter.” This should be the woman’s call. Every single time.
8. [after 5 minutes of sex, during which he comes and you do not.] “I don’t feel like it anymore.” Really, dude? Really?
9. “Are they real?” You’re about to touch them and find out, so why even ask?
10. “Do you want to go shave first?” Do you want to travel back to 1550 and be castrated in order to preserve your falsetto voice for the Roman Catholic choir? You’re too lazy and think it shouldn’t be required to have sex with me, right? Yeah, same.
11. “Are your boobs different shapes/sizes?” Yep, and that’s totally normal.
12. “Well, THAT’S different.” No no no no.
13. “OK. Here we go.” What the hell is this, the last 15 minutes ofFriday Night Lights? Where you are about to go into the final quarter of the state championships with steely determination in your eyes? You should not need a Coach Taylor pep talk to have sex with me.
14. “I’m actually feeling pretty tired, it’s like midnight.” Well, I trimmed my pubes and put the cat in the bathroom so actually IT’S FUQ O’CLOCK, HOMES.
15. “You should get that checked out.” Why are you looking at my weird skin thing?
16. “Here’s my waxer’s number.” Wh… get out of my house.
17. “Do you lotion?” Yes, but it’s winter. Now grope my scales.
18. “How young were you when you got that tattoo?” Dude, I know the Phish lyrics on my hip are dumb. Why do you have to call me out on it?
19. “You don’t have a butt.” Thanks a ton.
20. “I like the way your ass jiggles.” Stop talking.
21. “Wow, you are Jewish.” And you are offensive.
22. “What’s that?” It’s a clitoris.