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Saturday, September 30, 2023

22 Awkward Sex Mistakes We’ve All Made

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Turns out you were pretty much doing sex entirely wrong until your twenties. Awkward.

Here’s 22 ridiculous mistakes we’ve all made in the bedroom at least once.

1. Dressing ourselves head to crotch in Ann Summers satin. Preferably in a pastel shade and involving a corset. Because men love their women clad in a bit of cheap, shiny fabric that digs into their love handles, don’t they?

2. Believing that the correct fingering technique to please a woman is simply a man thrusting his fingers as if his life depended on it.

3. Introducing a sex toy that could be confused as a weapon of mass destruction into a relationship too early.

4. Holding in a wee too long during foreplay and being unsure if you’re about to orgasm or do a very spectacular wee in your bed.

5. Truly believing that penetrating someone’s ear with your tongue repeatedly will turn them on to new heights.

6. Trying to weigh up whether it’s worth sleeping with someone really hot despite the fact you “might” still be on your period. You’ll always decide that yes, it’s always worth it despite the fact that yes, you are very much still on your period and the proof is all over the bed sheets.

7. Waking up next to someone who looks like Dane Bowers after he was hit by a truck, and feeling sad about your lack of judgement for at least six months.

8. Letting a man ejaculate on your face. You’ll find dried clumps of semen in your hair hours later just as you’re settling down for a cup of tea and a catch-up with your Dad. Yup.

9. Bath sex. Doesn’t work, does it?

10. Believing that Adele will make a romantic and relaxing musical backdrop instead of making you feel about as awkward as a nun in a strip club.

11. Getting too over-excited and vigorous during foreplay, and ending up with a lot of blood and a snapped string. Yikes.

12. Using things that aren’t lube as lube. Spitting on your fingers, or rubbing in moisturiser or soft drinks are not the same and will not produce high levels of arousal. Who knew?

13. Taking risks with fingers in unexplored holes without discussing first.

14. Attempting to be sexy by not wearing underwear. The reality is moist thighs, fanny farts and a feeling of awkwardness that by far outweighs the level of seductive confidence you were going for.

15. Forgetting to take one pill from your contraceptive packet and panicking that you’re probably pregnant with quadruplets for the next three weeks. Very good.

16. Having sex with someone younger than you, and, despite realising after about three minutes that they’re inexperienced and pretty dire in the bedroom, repeatedly going back for more because you like the attention. FFS.

17. Car sex. You end up with a gear stick in your thigh, a steering wheel in your back, a bent neck and cramp so bad you might as well have a million wasps hiding in your leg.

18. Attempting to indulge in morning sex but the taste of your own breath being so overwhelming that you have to abort mission because you literally cannot concentrate on anything else. Did you eat faeces last night?

19. Trying to butter yourself up for a spot of casual sex by drinking copious amounts of alcohol. Suffering vomiting/erectile dysfunction/severe dryness as a result and wishing you’d stayed home with digestive biscuits and a film with Katherine Heigl In. Sad face.

20. Jiggle balls. Erm, how and what were they supposed to do again?

21. Rushing about in the dark for a condom, using said condom. Finding said condom and wrapper to put in bin next morning. Finding condom was two years and five months out of date. Oh.

22. Trying to suggestively tease someone by stroking their stomach and making them flinch uncontrollably because it turns out, rather than making them want to orgasm wildly, you’re putting them through sheer hell with your relentless tickling.

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