by Hannah Jewell
1. For when you need two hands to type, and nothing left to hold your latte.
2. For when you want to show off that you’re aware of sexy ladies and bathtubs.
3. For when you don’t care what your classmates, colleagues, and loved ones think of you.
4. For when you wish your phone were sweatier.
5. For when your own two nostrils are not enough.
6. For when you’re being terribly ironic.
7. For all those scenarios when you want this to be a thing, because you’re an asshole.
8. For when your asshole-ness pours forth from your dickhead soul so much that you need a boob on your iPhone.
9. For when the volcano of your own douchebaggery erupts in a fiery magma of being the worst.
10. And when there are several styles to choose from to express your endless fuckery.
11. For when you wish phones had balls.
12. For when your endless selfies aren’t unbearable enough.
13. For when your hipsterdom overcomes you completely.
14. For when you want to put a giant isopod on your face every time you answer a call from your mother.
15. For when you want to look like a level of scum that grows underneath several other layers of pond scum.
16. For when you’re like, “Get it??? ‘Cause that’s where my ear goes!”
17. “Haha but what if your ear was like, big.”
18. “LOL you can’t plug your charger in there, that’s my phone, bro, lol.”
19. “Haha yeah, gonna go pick up my kids from school, better not forget my phone! Lol!”
20. For when you like Nickelback.
21. For when you’re a brony.
22. For when you just really love chicken.
23. For when you hate human progress.
24. When all you want is a case that you can eat, because you don’t understand things and how they are supposed to work.