by Ami Angelowicz and Amelia McDonell-Parry
It seems like there’s always some new kind of insane, mind-blowing orgasm women are supposedly experiencing. From g-spot orgasms, to third-level orgasms, to cul-de-sac orgasms, you can’t help but feel that you’re not measuring up with your respectable pleasure quiver … or lack there of. Let’s not get so infatuated with the climaxes that Cosmo thinks we should be having that we’re ashamed of the orgasms we actually are having, or only having once in a blue, vibrating moon. These types of orgasms seem far more attainable and realistic to us:
1. The flair orgasm. It’s not quite a fake one, but it’s not quite the howling, moaning clawing affair you’re making it out to be. Eh, no harm, no foul. A little climax flair never hurt anyone … besides the next door neighbors.
2. The “really wish I was orgasming” faked orgasm. For whatever reason, a legit orgasm is nowhere on the horizon. Maybe you find it difficult to come in general, or you’re having a great time but the Big O just isn’t in the mood to make an appearance, or the sex is mediocre and you’re over it — but sometimes a fake orgasm is in order. The best fake orgasms — yes, we said “best fake orgasms” — are the ones where you really commit and channel the real thing. Meditate on that shit, make it authentic. And, maybe just maybe, if you’re lucky the act of faking it may actually make ye ol’ real orgasm come out of hiding. Hey, it’s been known to happen.
3. The “let’s get this over with” orgasm. Sex is fun and all, but when a new episode of “Scandal” is starting in 10 minutes, it’s time to hit the gas and head straight for the finish line. These orgasms are still good — hell, sometimes they’re great — but they’re more about finishing the job than basking in any sort of post-coital afterglow. Pass the remote!
4. The SURPRISE! orgasm. Many women have a tough time climaxing, especially from penis-in-vagina sex, and if you’re one of those women, you may find yourself expecting not to hit the big O. But sometimes, seemingly out of nowhere, the stars align, his dick is hitting just the right spot, and BAM! Hello there, orgasm, did not expect to make your acquaintance this evening, but so very glad you showed up!
5. The waterworks orgasm. True fact: sometimes your clitoris is directly connected to your tear ducts. You might want to remind your partner of this next time you’re in the throes of pleasure one second, and reaching for a box of tissues the next. Let your tear ducts have their release.
6. The boregasm. You’ve been snowed in all afternoon watching TV or studying for an obnoxious test or suffering from writer’s block and you’ve hit your limit of “distraction activities.” Well, almost hit your limit. There is one more thing that will make you forget all about your current situation.
7. The sad orgasm. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “I laugh so I won’t cry.” The same goes for orgasms.
8. The “go the fuck to sleep” orgasm. Evening yoga, warm milk, a hot bath and still you’re tossing and turning. Nothing will tire you the hell out as much as chasing an orgasm. Hopefully, you can catch it alone, or with some help.