by Taylor Kubota
Everyone has an opinion on how to have better sex. Whether it’s a friend, columnist, or television personality, advice is cheap — while real shortcuts to great sex are rare. That’s why so many of the so-called tips and tricks are cringe-worthy and may even be harmful to your sex life. Here, from some of our favorite sex experts, is the most wrong-headed advice they’ve ever come across. Skip these and stick to the basics.
Make it all about the orgasm
This sounds considerate but may be the most problematic of all sex information. “Orgasm should not be the goal of sex,” says Eric Marlowe Garrison, clinical therapist and author of Mastering Multiple Position Sex. If you make orgasm the only positive outcome, that pressure can get in the way of orgasm and any other enjoyment. While it may be easier to think of sex as the path to orgasm, it’s better to concentrate on what gives you and your partner pleasure. Yes, orgasm is probably one of those things but there are many, many others ways to feel sexually gratified. “Rather than sex being goal- or performance-centered, focus on the pleasure, journey, vulnerability, intimacy as well as sexual generosity,” says Reece Malone, sexologist and sex therapist.
Use your teeth
Part of the reason genitals create such special sensations is because they are highly sensitive. This means that actions that don’t seem all that forceful elsewhere, like nibbling, can feel much rougher down there. “When it comes to teeth on genitals, simply don’t do it without asking permission [and] whether they’re into it,” says Malone. Encourage your partner to give some feedback about the pressure they like; consider negotiating tapping or squeezing hand signals in advance.
Pull Her Hair
Many people enjoy sex that’s a little rough, including some hair pulling. Charging right into this, however, can be a big mistake. “Many sexual experiences (and relationships!) have come to a screeching halt because a guy ended up with a woman’s weave or a clump of extensions in his hand,” says sex researcher and licensed therapist Christine Milrod. You can discuss hair-pulling before you go too far, or you can just be cautious along the way. If you try a little tug and she pulls away, back off for now and shelve the topic for later.
Most men love breasts and they may think that motorboating is an exciting, enthusiastic way to show their appreciation. Women tend to disagree. “It is mostly painful, the sound is distracting, and it activates pain neurons instead of pleasure centers in a woman’s brain,” says Milrod. If you just can’t resist, at least ask your partner how she feels about this one before you dive in.
Try Deep Throating
Deep-throating can be very sexy for both the giver and the receiver, but it is not something to force. “Some people have a talent for deep-throating, but it’s with the understanding and consent that they are going to, or want to deep-throat,” says Malone. “Beware that not everyone who has the desire to deep-throat can actually do it.” Forcing this, even in someone who has done it on other occasions, can result in choking, gagging, and even vomiting. It can also bring up issues of consent.
Mix Food and Sex
Some people have fun using food in the bedroom, but it can easily go the way of George Costanza and his pastrami sandwich. “In reality, bringing food into the bedroom is usually more hassle and mess than fun,” says sex therapist Vanessa Marin. Mixing these two can also lead to health problems, especially if you try to insert food into a woman’s body. “The vagina has a pH level around 3.8 to 4.5. Disrupting the balance can impact the level of healthy bacteria that keeps other organisms at bay,” says Malone. If you really want to have sexy fun with food, instead of putting a donut around your penis (this is a real one), start your next intimate encounter with some chocolate-covered strawberries — and leave them behind once you start getting busy. Flavored lubes are another option.
Go on a Quest For The G-spot
The G-spot is another mysterious area on women. It’s great if you are eager to try and figure out whether stimulating there feels good for your lady but practice some caution. “Someone told you to make that ‘come here’ motion with your one crooked finger, and you went looking for the G-spot with half your hand,” says Milrod, but too much finger action too soon can be painful. Just as with the clitoris, start your study of the G-spot carefully and don’t forget to include her in the exploration.