I’m not into the business of telling people what to do. But I have daughters and god kids, and they sometimes come to me for advice.When it comes to the kids I love, I am what I would call a L.A.M.E. parent: I offer L-ove, A-dvice, a little M-oney and a great deal of E-motional support. After that, you’re on your own. It’s not my job to be the morality police, and I believe deeply in the right of any human being to make their own decisions.
I recently had a conversation with a young lady I mentor, and felt that this would be something worth sharing with anyone who might want to listen.
Our discussion had to do with sleeping with a man who has a track record of irresponsibility. He might have five kids with three women, be “a little bit behind” in his child support or doesn’t know his kids’ middle names, who their best friends are or where they go to school. The point is that he’s not all that involved with his children.
The man might have never been taught that there is a huge difference between making a baby and raising a baby to adulthood. In fact, the difference is as great as signing your name on a med school application vs. doing the work necessary to become a neurosurgeon. Maybe his own father wasn’t around, so he doesn’t believe that he has to be around either. Perhaps he just enjoys being a “playa” more than being a “dada.” I can’t say for sure, but these might be some of the signs.
As someone who cares about you, I owe it to you to share a little secret that you might already know deep down.
If a man isn’t taking care of the kids he already has, then a woman is silly to have sex with him. If he gets you pregnant (which happens all the time, even when people think they’re being careful) there is a good chance he’s going to abandon your kids too. A man’s history presents a pattern of behavior that should be studied, and if you don’t know him well enough to know his pattern, then you also don’t know him well enough to give him access to your body.
I’m not an expert, but I suspect that the reason a woman might sleep with a ratchet, irresponsible man is that she’s judging him by the quality of his bedroom skills and not the content of his character. He might also fool you into believing that you’re receiving the elusive love that weren’t able to get anywhere else. The problem is that this love is like a bonfire started by newspaper: Powerful and overwhelming at the beginning, but wimpered and dead just a little while later. So, the crackhead elation you might feel at the start of a relationship can be traded in for intense pain and heartache just a few weeks after it all begins.
Then the cycle can start all over again with another person who is disgustingly similar to the one you just left behind. This nightmare may occur repeatedly in your life because it’s easy to forget that your relationship choices are a reflection of who you are on the inside. When I figured this out that this fact applies myself, it was hard to accept. But once you identify the illness, you can then start looking for a cure.
Understand, that many of the professional baby’s daddies can be deceptive. They might convince you that they don’t take care of their other kids because their mothers are horrible people. They might persuade you into believing that you’re different, or that you’ll never get pregnant. It takes skill to get that many women to have sex with you, so don’t be surprised if these men come well-packaged, both literally and figuratively.
Also, keep in mind that he didn’t get those other women pregnant for no reason….chances are that he’s a good-looking man who knows his way around the bedroom. A lot of women might want a taste of his special gift, but forget that by doing so, you’re literally playing with fire (and the fire might be in his genitals from numerous STDs which typically accompany a man who has had a lot of sex, unprotected or not). If he has a bunch of kids by other women, he either doesn’t use condoms very often or doesn’t know how to use one properly. Either way, this can be bad news for you.
So, as you continue on in the game of love, and experience the most powerful force in the universe, beware of the hurdles and landmines which might await you. If sleeping with a man leaves you with no regrets, then I’m not one to tell you to do anything different. But if your relationship choices are giving you a life you don’t want, you may want to consider a different strategy.
But again, that’s just my two cents. Feel free to ignore. I just want you to be happy.
Dr. Boyce Watkins is one of the the most highly sought-after African American public figures in the country. He has been a Finance Professor at Syracuse University for 12 years, and was the only African American in the country to earn a PhD in Finance during the year 2002. He is the author of several compelling books, including “What if George Bush were a Black Man?“, “Black American Money: How Black Power can Thrive in a Capitalist Society,” and “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know about College.” He is the co-star of the Janks Morton film, “Hoodwinked,” along with Drs. Steve Perry, Marc Lamont Hill, Ivory Toldson and Jawanza Kunjufu. He has also appeared in a slew of national media outlets, including CNN, NBC, ABC, CBS and many others. This article is culled from Your Black World Network.