Psychologically, humans seem to be regressing over time instead of developing. “How?” You might ask. Yes, I know we are making ground breaking innovations in technology, healthcare, etc. But, check this out – In the early beginnings humans were mostly nude, then we started evolving various apparels and soon we were fully covered. These days we are gradually reverting to nudity again.
In the early beginnings there were no distinct family bonds, we were mostly hunters and gatherers who moved around for food and mated according to desire for procreation. The females were as willing to mate as the males with any available male mate. Over time, we started settling and like most animals, dominant males laid claim to territories, groups and mates but a capable challenger could just come along, usurp the alpha male and take over his group as well as mates. With time things changed, social contract evolved and we developed strong filial bonds and the mentality of being responsible and thus over time marriages were contracted and distinct family linages evolved. Today, we see people approach relationships from a part-time angle where the major idea seems to be ‘we got something but I’m free to roam’ like in the early times.
This write-up is inspired by the way we conduct relationships these days, especially the rate at which I hear folks announce with fanfare that they are expecting a child out of wedlock and also the prevalence of the ‘2 minute noodle’ marriages where the parties involved tend to announce their separation/divorce as if they just achieved a celebration worthy milestone in something that will help humanity.
Now, let’s get something straight, I am neither here to sermonize nor moralize. I am no saint and I honestly don’t think that there is any human who is, however, not being saints doesn’t mean we can’t have values and codes by which we live, otherwise we might just watch our ordered society crumble. Let’s keep this discourse as logically objective as possible.
Having a kid isn’t a joke, it’s a full-time commitment in addition to peoples’ other full-time career and social commitments, so before that kid comes along, one has got to be ready. Now here is where most of us get it wrong! A lot of people simply interpret being ready as being financially capable; that’s just the least of it. The real readiness is the psychological and emotional readiness. “So, where does marriage come into this?” Some might ask. “After all, some kids with a single parent are better than some kids with both parents.” They might add. Well, yeah, that’s true. However, here is my own angle, seat belts do not necessarily guarantee 100% safety from fatality in an accident, do they? But yet we need to wear them anyway. Bulletproof vests do not guaranty 100% possibility of surviving in combat do they?Yet they are worn nonetheless. The safety measures illustrated above might not give a 100% guarantee but they do increase one’s chances of survival exponentially. In that same vein a marriage might not guarantee heaven on earth for a kid but a good one greatly enhances a kid’s chances of turning out okay.
I spoke of the need for psychological and emotional readiness, now; a marriage is one very reliable thermometer to test the aforementioned as well as a tool to foster them. Managing a marriage successfully means that the parties involved are psychologically and emotionally balanced to take on the responsibility of bringing forth another life and it greatly reflects their capacity to successfully balance the pursuit of the kid’s needs, their needs as individuals and the general needs of the family as a unit. Marriage is an institution of continual learning hence success in managing new challenges that spring up in it directly translates into success in the various aspects of the lives of the individuals in a family unit. This is why when a marriage starts failing, it’s most likely the individuals in that unit will start waning in other facets of life as well – i.e. the husband’s career and social life could take a tumble, the wife’s as well. The kid(s) could start acting up and getting into trouble, etc. So it is obvious marriage is an essential institution to prepare people in issues of commitment, responsibility, perseverance and sacrifice, which are necessary prerequisites before having kids. I have single parent friends who are trying, yet they have repeatedly told me that they wished for a good complete family and how there is nothing like it.
Am I condemning folks who are pregnant out of wedlock or divorcees? No. They are no less fallible than I am. I am only saying we should not glamourize occurrences and in most cases mistakes that we should take with solemn reflection. We shouldn’t go on various social media to narrate our shortcomings and anomalies with fanfare. We all are prone to mistakes but that doesn’t mean mistakes should become a norm and be celebrated. Planned or not, a kid is a bundle of joy and bringer of good tidings, however it is better we plan for them as kids should not be having kids. Being divorced doesn’t mean one is a failure because one’s marriage didn’t work, but we should strive not to celebrate such a setback as if it was our target from the beginning of the union.
We need to guard against promoting part-time mentality approach to issues that require our full-time attention.
Chukwudi Madu is a Contributing Editor at The Trent; a writer focused on creative writing, copywriting and technical writing. He is a proud alumnus of the prestigious Government College Umuahia (following in the steps of great Umuahians like Chinua Achebe, Vincent Chukwuemeka Ike, Elechi Amadi, I. N. C. Aniebo, Ken Saro-Wiwa and Christopher Okigbo) and an alumnus of the University of Nigeria Nsukka. He tweets @maduchuddi. His Facebook page is HERE. You can buy his books HERE.
The opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the author.
