1. “Maybe we can think about being exclusive soon.”
There’s nothing like hearing “Maybe I’ll stop fucking other people in the coming months, maybe not, tough to say” to really make me start falling in love.
2. “I’m scared of how good this is.”
This is usually used as excuse as to why they can’t commit or date you anymore. That’s right. I was too good of a girlfriend. Just too great. So great he had to move to Michigan and marry someone else to get away from my greatness, which was physically hurting him because it was too great. Etc. Etc. Etc.
3. “The timing just isn’t right.”
Yeah, that’s fair. February is a shit time to find someone you have fun with and connect with on all levels. That’s more of a March situation right there.
4. “I want to be with you, but…”
Literally anything that comes after this should incorporate tiny violins playing alongside him because that is how garbagey and hilarious whatever he’s about to say is. If you wanted to be with me, you would. Period. I never say, “I want to win a million dollars, but…” because I legit want to win a million dollars. The end.
5. “I want to keep things like they are right now.”
Oh, you mean as in “totally murky and weird because we have no idea what’s going on between the two of us?” Yeah, can’t stand in the way of that incredibly fun time I’m not having at all.
6. “I don’t have enough time to give you the attention you deserve.”
This is some smooth-ass bullshit. See also: “You deserve someone who can love you the way you deserve to be loved,” which is something an ex actually said to me once. And though I still think he was an idiot, to be fair, I absolutely did deserve that and he did not give it to me at all, so.
7. “What if you just come over to my place and watch a movie?”
You mean do I want you to be too lazy to actually take me out somewhere amazing and then try to feel me up within the first 20 minutes of Inherent Vice? Not really.
8. “I’m just not ready for a relationship right now.”
Translation: “I do not want to be in a relationship with you, in particular, probably ever. While my commitment issues may be even more far-reaching than that, it’s tough to say, so again, it’s probs just how I feel about you.”
9. Not texting you, but always replying to the texts you send them.
Jesus Christ, I just got out of this situation. Eventually I stopped texting him and I imagine he now sits around wondering why I stopped liking him, since I’m sure he thinks he did everything right. Bro, clearly you did not because I’m writing about your dumb-dumb behavior on Cosmo.
10. “I’ll be at a bar with my friends around 11 p.m. You should swing by.”
This one is hilariously lazy. “Hey, so I’ll already be at this place tonight anyway, so when you show up, you’ll probably have to meet, like, five of my friends even though you’re not even sure whether or not you like me. And also I had to put in zero effort to see you. Also I have no idea what time I’ll actually be there. You in?”
11. Being vague about “maybe” getting together this weekend.
I’ll definitely make sure to clear my calendar on the off chance that you want to hang, especially since you’ll probably just invite me to some sort of “Come by my place and I’ll make you a peanut butter sandwich while I make an attempt to finger you” situation.
12. Wanting to “meet up later” instead of making a plan.
See above, but this one is even more vague and also he’ll probably never text you to actually do this. And if he does, it’ll be, like, five minutes before he wants to meet up because you are clearly waiting for him to Pick You and are always dressed to the nines.
13. “I want to be exclusive but I don’t want to be boyfriend and girlfriend.”
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!