Look. We don’t fake our orgasms often, and we definitely don’t encourage anyone else to do it.
But sometimes it just has to be done.
They’ve been trying to get you off for what feels like hours. They’re the type of lovely person that won’t finish until you do. But for whatever reason, it’s just not happening.
And you’d quite like to hurry things along a bit so you can have a cup of tea and get back to your book. Is that so wrong?
It’s time. It’s time to bring out your acting skills and perform. You’ll make them believe this. You are iconic. And these are the stages you will go through.
1. Hmm. I don’t think this is going to happen
My brain is not connecting with my vagina. This is a bit rubbish.
2. But he’s trying SO. HARD.
And he’s so nice. And usually this is GREAT.
3. I don’t want to make him feel bad
Because I just know that even if I explain that the female body is complicated, that orgasms are not a guaranteed happens-every-time thing, and that my lack of orgasm is not a failing on his part, he’ll still feel a bit rubbish.
4. Okay. I’m done now. It’s not happening.
Done. Bored. Let’s get this finished.
5. Time to perform
Just going to ramp myself up a bit. I am a queen. I am in charge. I am the world’s greatest orgasm faker and I am about to blow. his. mind.
6. Wait. How do I usually sound when I do this for real?
Crap. I should have focused on all previous sex sessions. Taken some notes, or something.
7. Yep. Weirdly nervous right now.
He’s SO going to know I’m faking. This has too much potential for awkwardness.
8. Do I just swap from ‘regular sex-having sounds’ to ‘OH GOD, YES’ sounds now?
Won’t that seem a bit weird? You know, given that he’s not doing anything different?
9. Okay. I’m going to wait until he changes it up a bit and then strike.
I am so wise. Such a sex genius.
10. HE HAS SLIGHTLY CHANGED THE ANGLE OF ENTRY. GO, GO, GO.
It is time. We must begin.
11. I will now slightly increase my sexy noises
In terms of frequency and intensity.
12. Sloooowly, slowwwwwly
Can’t be too sudden. Must not attract too much attention. Yes. This is working.
13. Is this actually believable?
This sounds fake to me. Is it sounding fake to you?
14. Oh god. What noises do people make when they’re enjoying sex?
THIS IS A SERIOUS CONCERN.
15. I think I’ve done enough buildup now. It’s probably time for the finale
Next time this happens I’m timing this. Just so I’m prepared, you know.
16. WHY AM I SO NERVOUS?
It’s like stepping out on stage, and the play I’m about to perform is called’sexy times and nakedness: can we watch TV now?’
17. I’m doing it
I have committed to these ‘OH, GOD’ noises. This is really happening.
18. IT IS WORKING
I am Meryl Streep. I am Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant.
19. Now drag it out. Keep it subtle. Stay strong.
I am still so turned on. Yep. Still just riding the waves of this very real orgasm.
20. Breathe. Sexy breathing.
True performance is not in what you say, but what you do not say.
21. YES. HE BELIEVES IT. HE IS ABOUT TO GET OFF.
I AM A SEX GODDESS/OSCAR-WINNING ACTRESS. HAHAHA. I’M LIKE A SPY OF SEX. SO SNEAKY.
22. It is done.
I feel a bit bad about this, because I have lied. But really I’ve made someone feel good about themselves. This counts as my random act of kindness.
23. What have I done?
One day, the orgasm will not come. One day, he will look at me and say: ‘but this worked so well for you last time’.
One day, my actions will catch up with me and he will truly believe that I am a magical orgasm machine.
This is bad. I have betrayed only myself. Joy is fleeting. Life… so limited.
24. But hey, now I get a cup of tea
And everything is right in the world. Good job, me.
DISCLAIMER: All my orgasms are totally real. Honestly. Promise.