WARNING: This article contains sexual (and frankly horrifying) content throughout and is not for the light hearted
We’re totally not trying to put anyone off sex here but the hard truth is that it can hurt.
Sometimes so badly, that it lands you in hospital. Sex Sent Me To The ER on TLC aims to open our eyes to just how much of a risk that a ride on the passion train can be.
Naturally, we were inspired to have a look at how regular an occurrence sex mishaps are.
Here are some of the most horrendous injuries we came across.
These are ALL true.
1. The concrete rectum
One experimental couple decided to mix things up in the bedroom in the most bizarre way imaginable when one of the chaps poured wet cement into the anus of his partner.
Surprisingly this didn’t end well and the lad was rushed to hospital when the substance started to set, causing him extreme amounts of pain.
Silver lining – the couple now have a lifelike cast of one of their rectums to remember the romantic occasion.
2. The electric saw vibrator
Where do people get their kinky ideas from? When a normal dildo isn’t enough, why not just attach your sex toy to an electric saw?
Oh, because it will cut your nether regions quite badly when put to use. D’uh. Police in the US brought no charges against this weird couple as no crime had been committed. Unless utter stupidity is a crime?
3. The bitten off penis
This story from Singapore will have every man sweating to within an inch of his life. A randy chap was being pleasured by his secret girlfriend in a parked car. A van reversed and accidentally bumped the car, giving the woman such a fright that her jaw snapped shut like a bear trap.
As the horrified man lost his pride and joy, he probably lost his marriage too. His wife had hired a private investigator who caught the whole thing on film. One of those days, eh?
4. The couple left sealed together
The Kama Sutra has brought many couples plenty of thrills but one married pair from Russia saw the dark side of this book.
They were enjoying the deck chair position which involved the woman being held almost like a wheelbarrow, when a leg spasm caused suction to go all wrong. The couple were sealed together and had to be loaded into the ambulance still in the position. That would have been entertaining for everyone in the A and E waiting room.
5. Curry night blisters
A woman in the US was admitted to hospital with serious bursting boils all over her vagina after her thoughtless hubby decided to perform an act of love after going out for a curry.
Hot stuff indeed – but probably a little too hot for this poor lady.
6. The penile fracture caused by mum
Solo sex can be a hazard too, so all of you singletons needn’t be breathing a sigh of relief quite yet. A man in his 60s was enthusiastically going at it in his bedroom when his mum unexpectedly came in. Diving for the door to slam her out before she was subjected to a ghastly sight, the man stumbled.
And the loud snap that followed is something from every man’s nightmares. Boners may not have actual bones but they can still break.
7. The inhaled condom
Runny noses and fevers are pretty standard symptoms so a lady from India didn’t pay much heed to her constant state of being under the weather until it had been happening for over a year. Visiting the doctor at last, she was informed that she had a condom in her lung.
Turns out she had accidentally inhaled it, somehow without noticing, while giving her boyfriend a treat.
8. The priest and the potato
The truth of this story may never be known but a man of the cloth in the UK shamefully visited the hospital to tell them that he had a potato lodged inside his backside.
Timidly explaining that he had been putting up curtains when he fell backwards onto the kitchen table where said spud was sitting, he was treated without question.
But we’re fairly sure there would have been a few doubts in the nurse’s mind that day.