It is a truth universally acknowledged that once humankind is given a new toy to play with, we’ll work our hardest to turn it into something sexual.
This is what people do. It’s strange, uncomfortable and it’s this impulse to turn everything into a tool for sex that led to the creation of the vajankle (which is also NSFW).
So now that hoverboards are a thing – and just to remind everyone, these so called ‘hoverboards’ we’re referring to aren’t ACTUAL hoverboards, just handle-free Segways – society has come together to make sure they don’t escape from our weird urges.
Sometimes for the more adventurous, sex needs to be spiced up. Enter the hoverboard (please, not literally, that’s definitely not the hoverboard sex we’re talking about).
Broadly has published an in-depth report on the fact that people are now having sex on hoverboards. Yes, really.
As far as we can tell, the new sex trend started off in the porn world. It turns out the hoverboards’ smooth movements and ability to roll and spin around allow for loads of fun new sex positions – with an element of challenge.
In one very NSFW video (which we haven’t included for obvious reasons), a man effortlessly spins on his hoverboard as he holds up the woman he’s having sex with. He’s able to move to the bed and back without stopping for a beat.
There’s another video that sees a woman doing some standing up doggy, using the hoverboard to move back and forth against her partner.
It’s called hoversex, and –while we’re surprised people are even up for having sex with people who actually ride around on hoverboards – it’s a thing.
The key to successful hoversex, it is said, is keeping one person de-hoverboarded and fully stationary.
‘I would assume it would be pretty easy as long as whoever was in the ‘top’ position was doing most of the movement,’ a man named Drew tells Broadly, explaining that it’s really, really difficult to stay still when you’re (fake) hovering.
To be fair, the whole thing is pretty impressive. You’ll need to have a decent level of core strength and balance before you even attempt anything sexual on a hoverboard.
But we’d like to take a moment to ask everyone reading to do one important thing: don’t try to have sex on a hoverboard. If there’s a penis involved, one of you will fall or roll over, and that penis will get broken.
Plus, you know, all that ‘sex should be about human connection and the pleasure of the human body, not fancy gadgets’ thing. But seriously. Penis breakage will definitely happen. Be warned.