It’s the third date, and you know what that means: time for sex! OK, not really (unless the world really does work like Sex and the City, in which case, kill yourself), but you’ll know when it’s that date. The one that, rather than ending with a kiss on the cheek and a box of tissues, results in an invitation to her place for a nightcap (or an acceptance of yours). There simply isn’t an exact science to the game of love (or lovemaking, for that matter), but there are some obvious moves that will ensure she doesn’t want to see you ever again. So, if you really like this girl, or at the very least like slapping flappies with this girl, crack open a bottle (not a box) of wine, sit back and don’t do these things. And don’t call it “slapping flappies.”
1. Getting too intimate
2. Clam Jamming
Once you’ve shut up long enough to get below her clothes, be mindful of your fingers (i.e., don’t start cramming them in her like you’re trying to clear a clogged drain). The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings in an area smaller than a pea, which means that the lightest touch is enough to bring it to attention. Poke too hard and it feels more like an awkward jolt than a pleasurable sensation, like any contact with a penis right after orgasm. Start with a gentle touch, and she’ll push against you to signal for more aggression.
3. Refusing to kiss after oral
No one’s eager to coat their throat in man gravy, but when a woman has just performed a, erm, service for you, refusal of any forthcoming affection can be insulting. So if you see a kiss headed your way, suck it up. Contorting your face in disgust will only make a woman feel cheap. If you can’t stomach the thought of a post-fellatio tongue dance, kiss her neck, shoulders, face, etc. until such time has passed that any offending you-goo has dissolved.
4. Failing to reciprocate
This rule’s a little fast and loose. On the one hand, many women feel self-conscious about a guy getting that close to their whispering eye before they’ve really gotten to know them, so don’t be surprised if she declines. On the other hand, neglecting to even attempt to return her favor makes you look like a heel. So even if she shuts you down, she’ll make a mental note that you’re at least willing to appear generous.
5. Forgoing protection
You might feel hesitant to kill the mood by pulling out a condom, but skin diving not only puts you at risk for STDs (not to mention fatherhood), but it also appears disrespectful. If you’re fine being wreckless with yourself, that’s your business, but there’s a second party here, and a gentleman who wants to get laid puts the lady first.
6. Getting too kinky
Maybe six months down the line, you’ll both discover that you’re into urolagnia and live freakishly ever after, but right now isn’t the time to explore your deviant side. Keep the slapping and hair-pulling at bay and withhold the graphic dirty talk. And, it should go without saying, restrict the field of play to the front door, huh?
7. Making strange noises/yelling
Be aware of the strange sounds you make and the offensive things you yell out en coitus. If necessary, seek therapy for them.
8. Acting like a porn star
If life was anything like a porno, every time you did laundry would end in a washer-top gangbang. But real women don’t want to be treated like porn stars (at least not the first time you’re with them), and mindless jack-hammering makes you less a workhorse than a hump monkey.
9. Stressing about your performance
There are a number of things that can go wrong the first time you’re in bed with a new partner, and most consenting adults understand that. There’s a lot to feel out about another person before reaching the right comfort level and sexual rhythm. Any awkward post-sex vibes that you project will make her uneasy as well, so you’re better off relaxing and basking in the glow, bro.
10. Forgetting to allot cuddle time
Whoa, whoa, whoa. So what if you need to take a piss or the sandman is beating you over the head with his nap bag? Before you go bouncing out of bed to use the bathroom or start snoring like a chainsaw, allow a solid five to 10 minutes of cuddle/pillow talk time. Ideally you want to wait for her to fall asleep first, but at least make sure you spend enough conscious time with her afterward to show that this wasn’t just another smash and grab.