If you grew up going to church you are no stranger to the ubiquitous church sign placed out front of various denominational churches with announcements and sometimes sayings that are intended to lift the spirits of the congregation. But thanks to the Internet, even people who have never stepped foot inside of a church can have their spirits lifted by these sign in the form of a good laugh.
We don’t know whose job it is to come up with these sign messages. Often it seems like the church hires cranky old ladies who are completely out of touch with the real world and have no idea that what they are spelling out is hilarious.
And let’s just jump right to it. How did the person who put this message together NOT know what they were saying? How do they not go “there?” And was there no one, not one single congregation member that took them aside and let them know that they were basically telling the world that BJs would bring eternal salvation?
Now, we know Jesus’ main message was one of love. Love thy neighbor as yourself and all of that. And we know that he treated prostitutes like Mary Magdalene very well. But we didn’t think that this was the point Jesus was trying to get across when he was spreading all of his good vibes.
If we’ve said this once we’ve said this a thousand times. Seriously?! We have to believe the person who created this message knew how this would be taken. Do these people sit out in their car in the parking lot drinking Boones Farm and wait for inspiration to hit them because the messages are clearly from a drunk mind.
And staying with the same theme here – a 4 inch tongue… is this sign about Gene Simmons? Because we thought Gene Simmons was as straight as they come (maybe a pun here). Why don’t they just write a 4 inch tongue can bring a six foot man to his knees but only if Jesus enters him first.
How many husbands and boyfriends saw this and used it against their lady friends? “What’s the matter baby, don’t you forgive me? You know Jesus said it was really important to forgive thy neighbor so come on and just forgive.” Oy. These churches are no doubt causing marital problems.
How true, how true. Unless of course you’re left handed. Or you prefer to use a fleshlight. Or the couch cushions or any number of things found around the house. But all-in-all we’d have to say we totally agree with this particular Psalm. In fact, it is now officially our favorite Psalm (like we know any others).
Why are religious people obsessed with blow jobs? It just doesn’t seem like a very holy thing to be thinking of all the time. Get on your knees! Get on your knees! Although this particular sign does have a ring of truth to it because there are plenty of people in showbiz who have followed this advice and have done very well.
This sign reminds us that we can’t wait to watch season 3 of Bates Motel on Netflix. Are you watching it? So so good. How in the sweet Jesus do these people not know what they are saying. They seem not so bright which is scary because they are the ones who are telling everyone else how to live.
We’d have to say that depends on a lot of things. If we are in the mood. If we just ate a lot of Mexican. If we’d rather be watching Bates Motel. If we are feeling bloated or not. If we are doing it on a bed or in the back of a truck. What? Too much information? Well don’t blame us blame God, he’s the one that asked.
Finally a person that has a sense of humor and is in touch with modern day reality. Having said that, this homophobic message is pretty godawful. Are we still telling people it’s wrong to be gay in 2015? These churches should be ashamed. Here’s our church sign: “Those people who live in glass houses should keep their dumba** and archaic opinions to themselves.”
Now before you go jumping to conclusions about what Mr. Paul Myers meant with this sign, let’s think about what else he might have been trying to say. Like, maybe he runs a food shelter and he’s saying open your mouth and I will fill it with soup and mashed potatoes. Naw, that’s a stretch – he most likely is saying what we think he’s saying.
Thank you! We have been telling our friends this for years and they usually just give us a weird look then leave really quickly and then never call us again. Finally someone else who knows the real meaning of TRUE friendship. Now how do we get in contact with you so we can become BFFs and hang out all the time? Call us.
Huh, we thought it was just the tag on the back of our T-shirt. This makes us think Jesus would be really annoying on a family vacation car trip. “Mom! Jesus keeps touching me.” “Jesus knock it off!” “I’m not doing anything!” “Mom, he’s touching me again!” “Jesus Christ, Jesus, do you want me to turn the car around right now?” “No.” “Then stop touching Jacob.” “Fine.”
We cannot tell you how long we have been looking for a workshop like this. It is incredibly difficult to find any information on how to exploit children. It’s like it’s a taboo subject or something. We Googled it. We went to the library and asked but came up with zilch. This workshop is so great! Can’t wait.
Okay, so weird, because not only have we been looking for child exploitation workshops but also for an anal convention. They are so hard to find and when you do find one it’s always so hard to get in. We once tried sneaking in the back door of one but were soon forced out. It just really stinks how few good anal conventions there are in this country. Ah, we could go on for days like this.
(via The Viral lane)